April Fool

Golden Ages

2010-08-28T16:21:00.000-07:00

When you walk into the ocean, if you go to just the right depth, the waves feel like they are going to knock to over, but don't. Each wave bends you back right to your tipping point and then subsides, giving you enough to time to stand straight in anticipation of the next one. This is what listening to Deven's band is like.

Am I the only person misses writing stuff for school?

2010-07-16T13:45:00.000-07:00

7/16/10: If you are bored at work, or need ten bucks, then you should enter my essay contest. It was inspired by my enjoyment of Inception, but you don't have to have seen it or care for it. Although you should and should. Its more of just of a way to remind myself how smart my friends are and I hope people get into it enough where it can become a regular thing. The topic that I posted on facebook was:

Why are filmmakers so interested in dreams?/ what makes dreams such a rich subject for cinema?

But anything you write about dreams and movies and the intersection of the subject and the medium is obviously fine if its awesome. I'm not kidding about the ten bucks either, its in the budget and I will send a check to your house (mostly because I would probably already buy you a beer) if you win, which shouldn't be too hard since think about how few friends I have and how lazy they are. Ends next Thursday.

DC

2010-05-21T12:22:00.000-07:00

5/21/10:

Thumbs Down:

a. Got a call at 6am telling me that someone broke into Helen St. to steal pipes. I didn't know that this actually happened in real life. I did not get back to sleep while thinking about how I am going to pay to fix this.

b. CK was having none of it. GCB has theories.

c. GCB also said alot of things like, "for a smart person, there are alot of things that you don't allow yourself to understand." He is probably right but still.

d. The deck I thought was awesome actually can't win a game now. Audible.

Thumbs Up:

a. Lots of kids on field trips to the Smithsonian museums think I am super cool. I don't get it either. Many many people came up to me just to compliment. It is weird that boys called the things I was wearing on my legs jeans every time and girls called them pants every time.

b. The national gallery finally got its act together and rehung the picture they own that I like. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_rjPzpuyCgyo/SjpUy9XsOYI/AAAAAAAAASM/GLcV3ublf68/s400/Fanny+full+size.png

c. I haven't gotten a parking ticket yet despite some "ambitious" placements.

Why aren't there more sociopaths?

2010-02-13T04:52:00.001-08:00

1/13/10: Feeling like you don't want children is very odd. Every single person who has contributed to my genetic variation successfully reproduced so where could it possibly have come from. If you look at a "family" tree of a childless person, its a terminus on a line that actually begins at the beginning of life. Its a sad way to think about how much time you get, but the "purpose" of life is just to pass on a combination of base pairs.

The question for me lately has been:
What if I was actually a slave to my genetic legacy? Instead of just a biological sex drive, what if my actual consciousness was pre-occupied with reproduction? How many viable progeny could I have if it were my singular pursuit in life and I didn't care to follow any cultural rules, like a sociopath? I have no idea about how to calculate or even guess at this. A dozen? A hundred? A thousand? Even if all the sociopath stealing, deception, and general fast-living catches up with a hypothetical progeny maximizing person, it would still be a very successful genetic strategy. So why aren't there more sociopaths? Or even just people with a more calculated reproductive strategy? One possible explanation is that this is all presupposed on a world that is unprepared for a sociopath and that the more of them that existed, the more society would invent safety measures to protect itself from them. For instance, in a traditional society in lots of places, its pretty dangerous business to sleep around. Sociopaths in those cultures have to rise all the way to the very top of the pyramid before they can have a giant harem or whatever.

I wonder if eventually I will even be bored in my dreams

2010-01-29T06:28:00.000-08:00

1/29/10: Sometimes I have dreams, the themes of which (kind of), are me being super good at things and productive. Its odd to wake up as a very un-industrious person. Two good examples of such a dream:

1) I dreamt recently that I was in some kind of design class (some times I wish I went to art school, not because I want to be an artist, but just because from what people tell me it sounds like its the kind of place, like Deep Springs, where people expect something from you, and if you don't make anything out of yourself, people actually call you out on it) and we were given the project to create a font. This is the kind of thing I imagine people do in design school, btw. Anyway, I was really proud of the font I made. In my dream. It was based on the divine proportion (also called the golden ratio), which is an awesome thing that you should look up if you don't know about it. The Greeks were obsessed with it, and for good reason kinda. Almost everything in nature is based on it, from the way a tree branch grows, or the Fibonacci sequence involved in the shape of seashells and the composition sunflowers up to the cosmic level of the ratio of suns to galaxies. When I woke, I later searched for people who had come up with the same idea, and sure enough they had but was glad to find out that my font was way better, mostly because it actually more strictly followed the rule: "all intersections of lines must follow the divine proportion".

2. In my dream I worked for NASA, of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory or some such place. My job was to graphically represent the trajectory of a missile based on data from different radar stations that recorded distance as the missile passed in and out of their range. My elegant solution was to introduce degrees of certainty based on the square of the distance between the missile and the radar stations involved. That way, the radar stations can check each other, but with preference to the data from the station closest to the missile. It was actually a very beautiful dream, in which the equation came to life and it involved lots of flying around through landscapes with lines shooting every which way, and X,Y,Z, and T numbers rising and falling out of view.

Facebook groups I would make up if they weren't so dumb

2010-01-26T21:34:00.000-08:00

1. I always get the drunkest when I am hosting a party.

2. I like sports enough to make girls mad, but not enough to make boys happy.

3. Never wanted that until I saw you with it.

4. Will call your sex positive, and raise you a fuck positive

5. Girls are allowed to be madder about double standards than boys

Do I believe in the "Singularity"?

2010-01-07T08:21:00.000-08:00

1/7/2010: On any measure, human progress is non-linear. Productivity, prosperity, consumption, and most importantly (according to people who are obsessed with the future) computing power are on exponential courses upward. The singularity is just an idea with a cult following that comes out of this reality. It postulates that at some point in the near future technology will be advancing so quickly that it will spawn a new kind of intelligence will arise that we currently do not even have the conceptual tools to think about. Maybe something like a supercomputer that can do so many calculations in an instant that it can be reading the entire internet simultaneously. And with the rise of things like twitter perhaps also be in touch with every human in real time as well (a big part of the idea is that different technologies will all converge on each other) not to mention things like gps installed in every thing ever touched by a person. There is no reason that a tracking device can't be made to be as small as to be measured in atoms, and at that point you could put one on everything. A computer that fast and with that much data would have predictive ability. Or maybe its simpler than that. Maybe someone invents a model that can predict molecular randomness by incorporating new data in real time. You could build into the model an ever increasing "closed system" and be very close to actually proving cosmic determinism and having access to "God's" plan for how every atom is going to be bouncing off every other.

Before I talk about whether this is going to happen or not, some other guesses at how it might come to be:

- Its not implausible that we learn how to manipulate matter to the point where we can just make things like how they make food in Star Trek. The history of mankind (and all life) is the history of scarcity. What happens when all of a sudden everything becomes free? Also, is this an economist's dream or nightmare?

- Wal-mart. Not joking. They have already proved that specialization is not necessary for optimization, especially if economies of scale apply. They have transcended retail by being the best at things they have no business being the best at: transportation, banking, energy efficiency, information systems, etc. What if some future company becomes the best at everything to the point where we all work for it and all of sudden everyone's self-interest becomes aligned?

-Transaction costs go to zero. {[First, if you haven't yet, read/watch this article about credit cards and how currently perverse incentives are causing the opposite of price competition. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/05/your-money/credit-and-debit-cards/05visa.html?em ]} The internet has already started with this, but there is a big difference between paying micro-cents and actual zero. Actual zero means that the market with a capital M is perfectly efficient. All resources are being maximized.

This speculative nonsense has a couple of things going for it:

- After the singularity, or perhaps even the cause of it, people are going to have computers integrated into their nervous systems. That's pretty fucking graphix. (also, if you are late to the party, graphix is the new lazers.

- Even if it doesn't ever happen, its pretty fun to think about and a reason to pay attention and a reason to try to piece things together. There is so much going on right now in medicine, energy, and especially information technology and how everything interacts is pretty unknown.

- Unlike other things, there doesn't seem to be anything that is cyclical about the trajectory of technological advance. After human beings realized that writing shit down was awesome and figured out how to do it, good ideas rarely got lost and forgotten and we have only really moved forward.

On the other hand:

-People, for whatever reason, have the tendency to categorize as a difference in kind rather than a difference in degree. (See: Humans/Language, Humans/Soul, Christianity/Islam, etc) History just shows us going up a graph. Its a steep slope, sure, by why would anyone come to the conclusion we are going to do anything besides stay on the track we have been on?

-If this was a real thing, then aliens would be here already. Its kind of like the proof that time travel doesn't exist. If it did, then time travelers from the future would have been here. If the singularity was a phenomena, it would have been replicated on a planet somewhere in our infinite universe and would have probably just colonized everything under its all-knowing power.

- Is it even something we should be excited about? For instance, if I knew for a fact that this was my last year pre-singularity, I would want to make as many bad decisions as possible while i still could.

Part Two: Predictions (because they are fun)

Sue got really mad at Ira Glass because he promised real predictions and then wimped out. Here are some good ones:

-In our lifetime:

1. Power will become basically free through the process of fusion. Once we get a handle on how to do the simplest kinds, we are going to learn how to use bigger and bigger atomic "fuel" to make the process work. 5 percent chance that cold fusion ever happens.

2. India and Pakistan will engage in atomic warfare over water, specially the damming of the Indus river. Water will be the currency of the next century, like oil was the currency of the past one.

3. Magnets will see a resurgence in importance, specifically electro-magnets. For all of our advances, humans still primarily manipulate our environs using the crappiest of the forces: gravity or mechanical means usually. Gravity a weak force you say? Think about it like this: a magnet the size of a pinhead can hold a paper clip when the entire planet is pulling on it in the other direction.

4. A person born in our lifetime will live to be 500 years old.

5. "Rights", as currently understood, will be given to non-humans, and actually understood, enforced, and celebrated as our rights are. My guess is only the most intelligent species at first, but soon after, most creatures we are currently using as protein factories.

6. Sleep will be "solved" and become obsolete. If any of us live long enough, we will have to tell little ones about the good old days and what sleeping every day was like.

In the next few years:

1. Not only gay marriage, but comprehensive change in the treatment of non-traditional members of the sex and gender spectrum including trans-genders. This includes a shift in how doctors treat babies born "in the middle", which will of course lead to more people growing up with a complicated gender identity and therefore more acceptance, understanding, tolerance, etc. but that will take a generation obviously.

2. Google will do something really really evil and become a bad guy. On the other hand, the good guys will win about the internet on issues such as: net neutrality, the copyfight, access in the third world and oppressed places, china specifically.

3. Tobacco will become illegal somewhere (somewhere real too). Not just smoking it. It will be illegal to grow, possess, sell, everything. GMOs too.

4. At least five different regions of the world will learn the lesson of the EU and incorporate in a similar way. This is one is half cheating, because some Arab states are already doing this, but southeast Asia, south America, northern Africa, and poor soviet block countries could also benefit from "joining a union" including currency consolidation.

5. Someone in my family will die or get married. I will be judged for not giving a shit either way.

Float on?

2010-01-01T10:45:00.000-08:00

1/1/10: Just watched "Up". No general comments, but a specific scene got me thinking. Over time the balloons holding the old guy's house up start to lose their potency until eventually the weight of the house overtakes their buoyancy and he is landlocked. But trouble ensues and he needs to fly again, and he realizes that all he has to do is start throwing shit out, the heavier the better, and he can lighten his load and go again. This is a pretty powerful lesson about getting older. Sure, you can go jogging every morning and build up your endurance, but if you need to get faster quickly, your best bet is just taking shit out of your backpack (I could make an "up in the air" tie-in here but it would just get convoluted). "hold on tightly, let go lightly"

When I'm feeling really crushed/contrite/deflated my first first reaction is that something must be missing: a career, a girl, a project, whatever. But maybe instead I need to get rid of even more things. That's how this blog got started in the first place. The power of the cleanse is that while it takes time to accumulate things/baggage/habits it takes no time at to just throw a fucking couch out your window so you can fly again.

Now the question is "which things need to go?". And am i ready to admit that maybe its: a) the illusion that life is about working as little as possible and going out every weeknight, i.e. party lifestyle, b) the fantasy that I can just float by on playing magic and hustling and never settle down and into something c) Philadelphia, d) polywhatever, e) the obviously false idea I have about that girl that I still like or more accurately think I like.

Ain't got no home

2009-11-16T12:19:00.000-08:00

11/16/09: Being bad at travelling is alot like being in a video game. The metro stations here are so many levels, I feel like im in one of those terrible rpg games where you just keep going one level down in the same dungeoun or whatever. Except sometimes in real life, you get to a level where there haven't been any trains in a hundred years and its just one homeless guy in the dark. Also, I have been saved many time while lost by just running into a random metro station out of nowhere. And I just take it back to the station where I started from and try to find out where i am going again. Its kind of like losing a life.

Met some Americans today. They were teaching English, and somehow spoke less Italian than I do even though i speak zero. I wish I didnt say "the worst" so much so that I didn't have to call them worse than the worst. They couldn't understand why I would want to be in Rome just cause. Eh. It was at least nice to talk. Im such a talker in life, and its been really rough not vocalizing anything over this last week.

Some more fashion and lifestyle highlights:
- Those super puffy jackets like the kind Missy Elliot wore in the video are really big here. Its been really nice weather the last few days, but I guess this is there winter, so everyone wears their heavy jacket to show it off.
- Giant noses abound
- Making out for real for real in public is a thing. Except they are really bad at it. So much sucking faces off. The girls do this funny thing where they look up at the sky and refuse to kiss back, presenting their neck like some kind of bird or omg I get to say it "FangBanger"!!! even though that isnt real here.

More Art, and towards a unified theory of the social optimal wait time

2009-11-14T06:11:00.000-08:00

11/14/09: Big day today. First, St. Peter's Bascillica, which is utterly amazing but the problem is there is nothing to do there except look at how gaudy it is. Again with the "they must get bored and just keep adding stuff" theme. Then to the vatican museums, and the Sistine Chapel. Mostly this is just hallway after hallway of religious relics made out of gold and pictures of saints and biblical scenes with heavy handed chiaroscoro. But their modern art collection is pretty tasteful and I spent alot of time there. The sistine chapel (extra lowercase if i could) was pretty disappointing, not just in the "its just a fresco" way, but also in the doesn't really have any kind of emotional impact or gravity whatsoever way. Even "the last judgement", which is supposed to be super dark, is just kind of a mural with a bunch of dudes that aren't interacting with each other. Over it.

-Waiting in line for the Vatican today, I started trying to come up with a unified theory of wait time to cost ratio. What i mean is obviously the museum isn't charging enough money on purpose, because they see their purpose not only as a market force, but also a social good. But undercharging always results in other kinds of cost, most frequently a wait time. ( I waited close to an hour, but I can't imagine how long it is on the last Sunday of the month, when you don't even owe them 14 Euro). So society benefits if entrance is cheaper than a profit maximizing market price, but not really, because all of that good is gobbled up in the wasted time in line. The optimal solution to these problems is probably some kind of straited pricing model, where its a different price each day, or for different times in the day. This way, rich people don't have to wait (there time is more valuable, sorry to say) and poor people can get a "coupon" price, by waiting in line on a cheap day. [Measuring how many more people come on a cheap day is pretty much an economist's wet dream, btw.] I have more, but it gets complicated, i.e., seperate parallel lines and even more complicated things, but I just wanted to give you the heads up, because when I win a Nobel prize in 30 years, its possible its going to be on something like this.
-Amerians. Are. So. Fat.
- I finally remembered to buy a pack of playing cards today. Not sure if I ever made this public, but I am actively trying to collect something. But I always forget to buy them. Doing the postcard thing was a good excuse, maybe I can connect the two and always be on my game.
-The wierd fashion thing in Valencia was this odd haircut that was kind of like a Dreadullet, short all over except dreads in the back, or sometimes even just one dread. The odd thing here is danceclub kids with a mouth peircing, like a labret or one above the mouth. Just a little stud and ball. Except the ball is bright white. Ive seen it maybe a dozen times. It looks like a white head so bad!! I just want to pop it. Ive actually double taked a few times. I get quite a kick out of it.

Clean Face

2009-11-13T08:12:00.000-08:00

11/13/09: If you ever need to shave in Rome, here's how you do it. You find one of those shady stores owned by a Vietnamese couple where the lady does all the work and the dude just sits in one of those chairs that really shouldn't be able to hold him up (apparently they are everywhere). You know the ones, with the really tall shelves, and there really isn't any reason for the stuff they are selling. Its just kinda a store. Fans and watches in the front, maybe some candy, a broom, cigarettes. Well, if you go all the way into the back room, where they sell bug spray and rugs that look like those saddle blankets you put on a burro and that they try to sell you while you wait in line at the Mexico border, that's where you can buy a razor.

Went to go see American art today, Alexander Calder. I learned that "mobile" was started as a joke, because in french it means both motive and movement. I also figured out that he started making things out of wire because he can't draw or sculpt worth a darn. I get alot of guff about saying that I hate art, but I think all i mean some times is I wish it didn't take itself so seriously. Today the guard got mad at me blowing on a mobile, as if i had BigBadWolf breath and I could knock the thing down. I guess its the same with everything really: politics, music, sports, whatever.

My kingdom for a girl in flats

2009-11-12T07:24:00.001-08:00

11/12/09: Today was a pretty big failure. I tried to find a cigar shop to buy my dad a pipe that he asked for, but google just kept sending me to little cigarette shops that sell lotto tickets. I also can't find a place to buy a razor for the life of me. Supermarkets, pharmacies, corner stores (they dont really have these, just bad versions of them), no one has razors or a bar of soap. To be fair, no day can actually be a failure here. Every time I get lost I stumble upon the most amazing things. Mostly buildings, and statues, and even roads that make America embarresed for being a teenager and not being able to afford nice things yet, but especially the river today. Every other person here must be a stone mason. I guess they just get bored and feel they need to build amazing intricate stone arch bridges every 30m along their river. The people rowing spend half the time in the shade.

- Figured out the economics of graffitti today. They painted over the tags in the underpass outside my flat. It was pretty full when I came. It makes sense that if you are just going to be painted over you don't want to spend alot of time or energy or paint on your work. This is one of those funny things that municipalites will never do: stop painting over graffitti long enough so that your graffitti culture becomes a net good for society instead of a net negative. I saw my first peice of really good street art today (it was on a dorm so it might have been just art), a donkey with wings like a pegasus. It was right near a bunch of buildings with gaudy statues of roman gods with horses, etc. It really made me like the person who drew it, kinda like the people who tagged the coliseum. Maybe this is why European street art is so different in character from American: because they aren't trying to capture turf due to economic longing, but instead trying to take some of their city from its own history. "Who fucking cares about the people who used to live here, I live here NOW!"

- Saw really good girl porn today. A calendar of really handsome priests. Itss kinda like how andy says all male strippers are gay. Or maybe even how some gay boys have a thing about turning straights. I guess it is the inverse of when boys have a power issue fantasy about virgins. It was funny any which way.

- I am glad I didn't come here for a whole month. For someone who is kind of a loner in life, I am terrible at being by myself. For instance, so far I have refused to sit down and eat in public alone. It just rubs me the wrong way. Tonight I might go watch an English language movie just to be around people who don't put the accent of EVERY SINGLE WORD on the penultimate sylable.

more roma

2009-11-11T04:56:00.000-08:00

Got lost today trying to metro to the Coliseum. And walking around, I ran into.... a big round building thing like if you were going to play football and you wanted the vet[I know its the link now but ive never been there so its still the vet forever] to be made out of stone. Yep, just got lucky. I refuse to look at a map once outside or speak to anyone. Not sure why because I love when i meet non-English speakers in the states, but I feel a weird vunerability once people know I DONT KNOW HOW TO TALK. Despite my best efforts, somehow people know. I got an "excusa me" on the metro today, even though I hadn't said a word or interacted with anyone.

things:
-they have this awesome kind of begging here where the person just adopts a praying position with their head down and hands out. Its a mix between those silver people that dont move for hours, zen monks, titheing, and straight begging. Not sure how they would know if you took their can though.
- "prego" means, among other thing, "youre welcome". I guess I always knew this, but what I didnt realize is how awesome a name for tomato sauce it is. If I ever have name something, especially food related, I am totally going with "Youre welcome". 'Oh, you want something tasty, let me save you the thank you trouble, hear is some Youre Welcome.'
-think the high-heels arms race is bad in the u.s.? you got it lucky. Not only are they 2 inches higher here (i would convert it to metric, but I am not really sure how tall 2 inches is. 25 cm?) but they have so many bad streets and cobblestones, etc. They also have a make-up thing going on, but I actually consider it more of a truce than an arms war. Girls as young as 7 have full make up on, and all the old ladies have so so so much, Raquel Welch style. "If we all do it, you can't judge us." No. I still can.
-I stole my dad a giant peice of the coliseum. Not sure why for him. Also not sure if he will a)like it, b) think its funny, 3) scold me for 3a) risky prosecution in a foreign land 3b) descrating monuments, 4) make fun of me for lugging a big rock around.

Roma, pt 1

2009-11-10T06:03:00.000-08:00

11/10/09: First impressions about Roma:
1. the grafitti is really bad for Europe. It's not America "flag and tag" bad, but it doesn't have sweet monsters and aliens and lazers and stuff like it is supposed to.
2. Remember how the deal with cars in Valencia was that they can park wherever they wanted and it became a parking space? Well here the deal is that scooters drive like I ride a bike but much worse and way faster. If a car is ever in their way, they are allowed to drive against traffic, on the sidewalk, over medians, whatever. And the culture is funny, the cars never honk or argue or get mad, they just accept being cut off by scooters. And by scooter, i mean motorcycle, because that's what they are really.
3. All the girls here dress super tough. Leather jackets, sunglasses (sometimes pushed up onto head), and those boot things that are also high heels. They will totally make eyes at you but I am pretty sure it is in a "im so tough dudes cant make passes at me anyway so i will do what I want" way.
4. Women don't get older here. Ive seen lots of awesome old dudes, with amazing facial hair and canes and sweaters and stuff (what Dane really wants to be) but no old ladies. And middle aged couples are funny, because they guys do the American thing and get a big belly but the women are all super skinny and concerned with fashion, etc.

Austin and Baseball and MT

2009-11-01T21:51:00.000-08:00

11/02/09: I never got around to talking about Austin, probably because Magic didn't go as planned. It's really a pretty fantastic place. 60, 000 UT kids and a million bars (all with the rock venue thing going on) and no chain anything. Actually pretty confused about how the economy functions. There is like one bar for every two people and besides yogurt bars and vintage toy stores, there doesn't seem to be much business besides a million alt. country groups (but every bar is full!!!). Anyway, the girls wear pretty dresses and the boys ride pretty bikes so i could probably get by there long term if i had to which is a strange feeling.

Baseball is in a sad state currently but something pretty amazing happened earlier in the series that seemed pretty blogable. Through some kind of cell phone number changing debacle I spent game one at home playing magic online until the 8th inning. Cliff Lee had it wrapped up so i hopped on the bike to get down to South Philly for after parties. Riding through the city while the game was still happening was awesome. There weren't any cars on the roads and as I went through each neighborhood the socio-economic and cultural diversity really got a chance to come through. In fishtown you can actually watch the game because people's doors are open, with a shirtless guy smoking in the doorway with four generations inside huddled around a tv. The runs we scored in the 9th happened as i was passing the bars in NoLibs and ditsy transplant girls from NJ where doing that girl scream thing. Lots of Yankee fans in the richest parts of the city, especially chestnut and walnut. In those projects just north of Washington you could tell they were fans too because they had Daily News fliers on their doors and stuff like that but it was super dark and super quiet. Not sure why but it was creepy. Maybe they don't watch at home? And then ultimately I ended up at the Pope where probably half the people didn't even know sports happened that night and the other half are dudes who wouldn't admit how much they like sports. Not sure I learned any actual lessons or takeaways or whatever but it was refreshing to realize that you can always like learn more about home.

In other news making TIME is still the worst, open bar is code for can't get a drink, and half hour bathroom lines should probably be unconstitutional. Those giant sea creature balloon animals where rad, but besides that shame on you for making me feel like I am bad at partying all of a sudden when clearly I have a few good years left. At least I got in for free which was nice. One of these years I might even have an okay costume.

Mostly magic stuff

2009-10-04T17:39:00.000-07:00

10/4/09: Pretty sure the reason I got sick is simply smoking cigarettes. Not sure how that's possible but that's what happened.

Vintage is a pretty silly format. Not sure how to attack it really. The problem is with restriction. It forces the decks to have diverse plans. Tinker is too powerful a card to not play, even in a deck that would normally want nothing to do with that kind of thing. same with y. will. Its hard to build deckbuilding edge when 40 of your 60 is a lock and overloading against any one plan (i.e. what good is wasteland and crucible against moxen?) is sure to leave you scratching your head when they play yag will into your hand of pyroblasts. In other news, key and vault is the real deal and for sure the best plan.

Speaking of, a funny thing happened. This super punky (not in the music genre way, but in the I like the Mets and and very very grumpy, even when playing magic cards) kid started taking infinite turns against me. So I for sure lose, but I ask him to show me a way to kill me. Then he goes into this big speech about how he never will, and will just do nothing all day. So I call a judge. Mets fan starts going through the motion, topping, being very careful with untapping, taking extra turns, doing lots of nothing on purpose to eat clock. Judge seems him playing regular fast and leaves. Kids continues for 25-30 minutes of not winning on purpose. I recall the judge because I know the correct ruling. Judge still does nothing. Eventually with about 12 min on the clock I am forced to concede to a timetwister (he had two cards in his library) which would let him burn the rest of the clock for sure. Unfortunately I didn't give myself enough time, and I didn't have enough time to finish him in game two. So I lose, nbd, and am kind of kicking myself about not leaving myself 3 more min.

But..... vindication... of sorts. Judge probably talked to someone after the round and figured it out but anyways the kids gets DQed for stalling. Gotta advance that game state. I still get the loss, which sort of sucks because there is no reason that ruling should not have happened in match but I top 8ed anyway.

Friend dumping is complete. frowns.

Fuck Deven

2009-09-30T20:40:00.001-07:00

9/30/09: Guess who doesn't get stood up by six foot tall girls with their shit together? this guy, thumbs and all. thx deven, real mature. She made a few jokes about things that I apparently could only understand if I knew french, but besides that and maybe me bringing up politics too soon it was awesome to share a meal with with someone who gets the bees knees checkmark.

Rob asked me to break Standard for the upcoming 5k and im pretty sure I did. And then I went ahead and broke legacy for fun. Then I got really excited about back to backing and 10king. Then I realized I can't play without jeopardizing Rome. Not playing magic in order to play more magic is like getting married for the sex.

kinda didn't keep my promise

2009-09-28T19:55:00.000-07:00

9/28/09: Since when do I not have good ideas about what to be for Halloween? I came up with alot of terrible ideas today in my desperation. I still want to just put some Smarties candies on my pants and be a smarty-pants. Need to remember not to be Zombie Michael Jackson. Zombie Pswaze would be a lady killer if only I could pull it off.

The problem with the full court press is intimately tied up with the over-arching problem with basketball itself. It is an impossible game to officiate because what and what is not a foul is not very well defined. Technically, almost every time two players touch each other one of them should be called for a foul. In practice, the game is too fast for this to actually happen not to mention how boring a game would be. M. Gladwell is of course kind of right, all teams should press, and should especially trap ball handlers immediately after they cross the half court line. The main reason for this for teams of actual basketball players (as opposed to using 11 year old girls as your example) is not because of turnovers but instead because of time. Even if you are just being mildly annoying, have 10 seconds to find a good shot is going to result in much lower percentage shots than have 16 seconds. Unfortunately for coaches, top players just aren't going to want to go play for a program that presses, because basketball players are primadonnas and because they don't see pro teams doing it. And athletes is exactly what you need to defend the entire court. You need more of them than anyone else because you need to substitute. Its the best way to play, but its just an impossible thing to orchestrate, and free baskets are the inverse of turnovers. Just like in the article, the bottom line comes down to how aggressive the refs are letting you be. Pressing should certainly be option number one, because you can also go back to half court defense.

Three dates this week. Trying to get excited. For some reason, I'm not.

okcupid has learned to only recommend me the prettiest girls in the whole world. Not sure how this happened because it never really asks anyone to rate anyone in a way where this could be a thing. But at first it sent me a bunch of undatable people, and now everyone is nice to look at.

Thursday is really the only day for TV. Its pretty unfortunate, because by the time things are up on Hulu, its the weekend and there is stuff to do anyways.

Go figure... I am awesome at relationships that...

2009-09-27T21:39:00.000-07:00

...last for 3 minutes. Plenty of practice.

10/28/09: Speeding dating is pretty useless. You know you when you are at a party and you are hitting it off with someone and then your ride is leaving and just comes in and sweeps you away? Its like that. Over and over. Or maybe it is like fake meeting someone in line for the bathroom at a crowded noisy party. It doesn't matter how much you connect, when they walk out of that bathroom door, you don't have anything to say, you just sidestep around them. The context is too weird.

Also, my running joke is that if you put me in a room with 15 ladies and ask me to pick one, obv I pick the LARPer. (yeah, i know, i know) But.... it might work out because you know what isn't useless? Winning grand prizes. Yes. The matchmaking gods granted me a whopping 25 dollar gift certificate to go on a date, awkwardly in the same place as speed dating, with said larp girl.

(aside: before speed dating I told Dan Goat that it was my goal for every girl to pick me as the guy they wanted to go on a date with so that I would win the prize no matter who I picked. Now that I won I have this egotistical fantasy that every girl did in fact pick me. Because there was one girl that was much much prettier than the others. Pretty sure every boy picked her, Dan Goat said he did. So shouldn't she have won? So now maybe I am regretting going for a safety school when I should have shot for an Ivy. I sure hope larp girl never reads this because its pretty shallow. end aside)

Also going on a potentially heartbreaking date this week with what is basically the middle eastern version of dream girl. Way prettier than me, super smart and kind, hot shot degree, real job, her shit together. You know, the kind of girl that wouldn't by rule be out of my league if I had grown up after college but kinda no lie is totally beyond my reach as things are. Maybe I can fake it til I make it or at least make her laugh/ give her a nice time.

Speaking of dream girl, and I only do it in this space because people get really mad about it and I think it is pretty funny that you think I would actually be able to be happier if I could let it go, I have come to the conclusion is that that the internet is the fully stocked fridge of diets. Its pretty terrible that it can be painful for new pictures to be put up on facebook. It makes no sense, and it touchs a place that should be off limits. The amount of connections it takes to get from a photo on social network site to feelings of opportunities loss as metaphor for death is pretty silly.

I have a nest of baby birds somewhere in my basement, or somewhere in my walls. I hear them chirping but can't find them. This is going to make my brother soooooooooooooooooo mad and he is going to get super grumpy and start doing a half-assed job to clean in his rage and yell at me the whole time about how I don't care about life and I should because there are just some things that aren't right.

Still haven't bought a plane ticket for Austin. It's in two weeks and there is no way that I am going to skip it. I just can't get up for it. I don't have a deck, or cards, or any ideas. I don't have a team, and none of my friends are qued. Its pretty lame actually. Where did all the great parts of my life go? I don't play music any more really. The friends I used to party with really aren't into it anymore. Magic cards is gradually feeling like something I used to care about when I was younger. Before this week I had zero girl prospects and to be fair, I kinda still do until I get excited about someone. Its pretty sad that sports is the best thing going.

How much is a normal amount to be self-conscious about your body? what if you are a boy? What if you can still run pretty fast? Who am I impressing anyway? Do i really think more people (as in more than zero) would see me naked if I was marginally more of a specimen? The funny thing is that part of my problem with this is that I don't really have an option about giving up and joining a bridge team. People don't do that anymore. I am trying to find examples of people that do something more than stay at home with wifey and watch cable. Its kind of like trying to find examples of someone who has a job that I want.

Sorry about this post. No more downers for a while, I promise. Lots of good things on the internets lately and I have some ideas. I want to say a little something about that Malcolm Gladwell article in the New Yorker about underdogs and the full court press.

Can't spell question without quest

2009-09-23T07:55:00.000-07:00

9/23/09: What could I say? Maybe this: the man hunched over his motorcycle can focus only on the present instant of his flight; he is caught in a fragment of time cut off from both the past and the future; he is wrenched from the continuity of time; he is outside time; in other words, he is in a state of ecstasy; in that state he is unaware of his age, his wife, his children, his worries, and so he has no fear, because the source of fear is in the future, and a person freed of the future has nothing to fear.

Reading more Milan Kundera lately and its has been good. But I don't understand how any girl could like him. He writes like such a dude, about dude things (existential dude things, but still) and totally abstracts the female into something gaudy and yet inaccessible. Plus, there is always this erotic talk about butt and assholes and such.

Side note that really should be the main point: I am the king of the semicolon and yet in all my genius I would never come up with the urge to write a sentence with multiples. Five? Are you fucking serious?

Some girl on Okcupid told me she reads my blog. Should this make me more or less willing to talk about dating? No sure, but speed dating is tomorrow and I pretty excited because it will either be awesome or hilarious and maybe I even convinced Steve Miller to come.

I recently found out about a thing on the internet where people lol to porn. There are websites where people just post the funniest intersections of sex and awkward. Hat tip to Deven for letting me in on this gem of internet culture.

Nope. No Title

2009-08-23T19:34:00.000-07:00

8/23/09: Alone

At my age, you are done growing up, you are just growing old

2009-08-20T21:56:00.000-07:00

8/21/09: Been checking lots of comics out from the library lately. Persepolis 2 is exactly the same as the first. The Japanese are the best at everything but cultural stuff really gets in the way of me understanding the undertones that must exist concerning certain things, especially the insistence on 12 year old girl protagonists and the complete impotence of all parents (get it? impotence in the very people that by definition aren't. get it? get it?). I was disappointed by Sin City. I hadn't read it when the movie came out, because Rob told me that it was panel by panel, word for word (he was right). I actually liked the movie quite a bit. Im a softee for that kind of period worship, especially a period I like the cultural artifacts of (see my affection for American muscle cars, cowboy shirts, rockabilly) Its kind of like how you remember things in a more favorable light than it really was or how you like the music you liked in high school for life. Anyway, its funny that I just like things less as I get older, especially media, art, music, etc. Its the same exact story, but on the page it has been falling flat. All the female characters are EXACTLY the same, big breasted "dames", tormented by the way their beauty alienates them, blah, blah, blah. If you get a stereotype dead on the first time, Frank, you don't need to keep harping on it. Irregardless of my personal struggle to like things, Ive been at least appreciating the idea of a comic book, of how an author can make a narrative and get everything perfect in a way no director ever could. I guess that's why comics always seem so contrived, they are absent the serendipity that comes automatically with other art forms.

I got stood up tonight. By a girl that has stood me up before. A girl who kissed me last night (since when does somebody kiss me before i try to kiss them? what gives?) and made lots of plans. I don't know how to feel about it. Obviously someone as flaky and up and down as I am isn't going to be a good match for me. At the same time new things have been rarer and rarer as I get worse and worse at making my life move. Move life, MOVE!

The raddest fucking thing ever that we forget because we get distracted section: Suns/stars aren't special. No. Really. They aren't made up of different stuff than planets, comets, moon, etc. The reason they explode with the potential energy that hides in matter is simple gravity. The have so much mass that their own gravity causes enough pressure to start a nuclear reaction!!! The fuel that burns is just stuff. rocks. whatever. If the earth was a million times it size it would be a fireball. You're welcome.

In the war between....

2009-08-18T09:38:00.000-07:00

8/18/09: my appitite and my hatred of my belly I am pretty sure from looking around that I know who is going to win and Im not sure if that means that I don't hate enough.

Chasing girls used to be fun. Lately its felt like alot of work and a big drag. Monogamy equals laziness?

I have a new pet peeve. I have been encountering toilet seats (especially padded ones, gross) that fall back down when you try to put them up. What am i supposed to do? I tried this awk thing where you hold it up with your knee, but the angle becomes almost straight down and it just doesn't feel right. And if I try to just go and be extra careful with the old aim that doesn't exactly do it either because there is bound to be splash back and a quick wipe just means the next user is sitting in evaporated urine instead of urine. Its a worrisome situation altogether.

How come no one who makes things with a video camera gets it? For whatever reason, while watching Weeds last week, the dvd player did this weird thing where it froze in place for a second, two episodes in a row, near the end of each episode during a slow close up shot. It happened in such a way that it seemed intentional and I got really excited because "they" really pulled it off and it really felt that Nancy's (that's her name, right?) life had really stopped cold and she finally was forced to think about the morality of her decisions, etc, whatever. It was a very simple cinematic maneuver that paid big dividends for the character acting going on. When I realized later (the dvd player did it again in a spot that didn't make sense) that it was fake, I got a little upset when I realized that when it comes to TV and movies, time is time. Makes no sense. Music has been awesome lately (perhaps because of the rise of the digital) about making songs that skip, stop, double start, stretch, and otherwise have fun with the idea that life might be linear, but experience certainly isn't. Even lowbrow stuff (see the outro drum machine part to the Helen Keller song on pop radio, or even some Kanye stuff) is in on the game but at its height, this kind of technique actually works with the content, enriching a song beyond the point of mere storytelling to actual art. All of this ground has already been broken for filmmakers decades ago, and it arguable an easier medium for it. Considering the sometime overuse of flashback, flash forward, start at the end storytelling (see biopic genre, all), etc, why is all time linear all the time? If audiences are sophisticated enough to appreciate "bullet time" and people frozen in air jump kicks, shouldn't they all be sophisticated enough to relate to "eye contact time" or the experiential time torture that is being stuck in traffic or that pump, pumP, puMP, pUMP, PUMP that a heart does as a cigarette gets into your bloodstream and everything seems to slow down just because you are going too fast all of a sudden.

The newest craze in economic land is this game where you ask a group of people to guess a number between 0 and 100. You are trying to guess 2/3rds of the average number guessed. If you take a second to think about, you might think its as neat of a question as I do. I can't say more without giving it away (sort of) but if you ask me about, Im into talking about it. Also of interest is that highly mathematical sample groups (chess masters, grad students in math, etc) end up with similar results as the population at large, which really shouldn't be so.

Our society treats animals really really badly. No. Really. Torture and confinement are pretty much the norm. Meat isn't nourishing anyone. It tastes good. Is culinary pleasure different in kind to to the pleasure humans find in violence? (no, you too. really. see gangsta rap, shark week, sports, youtube tasing videos, and on and on) Would it actually stand up in an ethical court? We kill for pleasure and so did M. Vick. It was just a different kind of pleasure. Mr. Vick obv isnt a good person. Google the worlds 'Baltimore Raven', 'Ray Lewis' and 'murder' and you might get an idea that maybe other football players aren't either. I promise I won't talk about this anymore because I am already sooooooooooooo over it.

The joys of an uncinematic life

2009-07-01T23:14:00.000-07:00

7/1/09: My day today was so post-cinema. All I mean by that i guess is that in movies, characters live such predictable lives and my day was crazy and unpredictable. Today I got up at 8am, rode home, showered, breakfasted, which was basically coffee, and then stale coffee that i put ice in and pretended it was iced coffee. I watched a little Wimbledon until it was time to meet the 'rents for real work. I painted and chatted with my mom about subjects that clearly made her uncomfortable (girls, etc). Then I went to see Doctor. It reminded me of taking your car to the shop, where they tell you what you already know is wrong with your car, but then they also tell you other things. Giraffe skin is not just my skin being weird. It is fungus!!! Gross city. Staph infection is just that and he was non-plussed. Antibiotics are happening anyway. But he was super cool in a "im a bad parent and i dont give a fuck" kind of way. He gave his 2 and 3 year old beer and smoked cigars and was very drunk the whole time. Then I worked more with my brother on buying doors. We got ripped off but my brother gave up trying to argue and just hated everyone in the world for a while instead of getting the right price. Baseball was kind of a bust cause we lost, but was awesome because i played super well and hit the ball really hard every time which was especially nice because my brother was really bad today so I got to shine a bit. Then something happened that would never happen at a movie. while softball team was hanging out drinking beers and watching the next game (always friends are playing next) my brother asks me, "so, you want to play tennis.?" Obv. So we go, and I am super drunk, and he takes my money. Again. NBD. Then even more things happen. Can you believe I live a real life anymore? I meet up with softball team at some restaurant, and they all are cooks and total foodies and know people and it is awesome because we eat great food. Then off to Fat Tuesdays (super scene change instantly, but I adapt because I am just living it apparently) for this drink called a Sluricane which is just a alcohol slushee but is pretty good for a girlee drink. At some point I convince a bunch of these jock people to hang out at the Barbs, because Andy and Deven and co. are there so this girl even puts my bike in her car and drives me up north. Turns out she is 6 foot a million and even into me so we take photo booth picture and dance a bit and maybe have a date next week so that is awesome and I am always so surprised when girls like me but its sooooooo awesome. I like dancing to 50's and 60's music so much better than hiphop or house or whatever and I had a good time going out for the first time in forever. But.... maybe I threw up those girlee drinks alot in the trashcan. At least I felt it coming and got away and I just bailed on cute supertall girl instead of puking on the dancefloor. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I got away with smuggling a million drinks in and felt pretty good about it. But then bad just now when i realized I spend money at other worse places earlier in the night. Whatevs. Sorry this post was one big block of text that just ran and ran. I am still drunk (throw up much? so lame) but wanted to be grateful for a day that made me feel young again and ready to meet people and get new connections, because today everything pretty much turned out right even though the news was all bad. Two sicknesses instead of one, sports lost, throwing up, etc. Doesn't matter- life at its most varied is always such a treat.

Today I learned that someone was a lesbian that I have know for almost five years, completely unaware. It makes alot of sense, and obviously I knew she was awesome so it doesn't change anything, but I feel a bit silly about the whole thing. How does that go unnoticed?

Maybe the best we get is a stream of distractions

2009-06-29T23:51:00.000-07:00

6/29/09: Making time pool party was just eh. There wasn't even tether ball. Pools and weird giraffe skin (thanks to Andy, I know what to call it now) dont go together. The music has always been bad so I can't complain about that really. But going to a party and feeling like you have no shot at the ladies was the worst. Where did the game go?

Good news on the staph infection front. Namely, bartering for prescriptions for antibiotics. My dad smokes cigars with a guy who is willing to trade services. How cool is that. Fuck insurance. I think I am helping him move, which I am pretty awesome at, but mostly in conjunction with Jason (you need two people who work together to move most stuff), but it doesn't matter. Hanging out and moving some stuff instead of 200 dollars a month? ok.

Me and Jay have been playing soooooo much tennis. Like 4 hours a day sometimes. Its awesome. Sports. obv. But I would like new people to play. I am looking into joining a tennis league (pretty sure its called something else). Perks might or might not include meeting girls with rich parents, career opportunities, learning how to pull off silly outfits, etc. Maybe I am making it up, but do you know any thugs who play tennis?

Crushing insecurity about pizza delivery livelihood tonight out of nowhere. Enough to get a day job? eh. .... so scared of it. so who knows. how do you even get one? But I don't like the feeling at all. School is such a racket, it would be awesome to go back and a nightmare to give them one cent.

Sorry about this new kind of sentence I made up. I just realized it. At least I instinctively knew to lower case the first letter when i am just making fragments.

Getting new things and getting "it"

2009-06-25T15:43:00.000-07:00

6/25/09: For a do nothing day, lots of awesome things happened. I (shock of shocks) did some retail shopping (well, Buffalo exchange, but it felt like the real deal to me) and bought some joker-purple jeans and some white ones too. Me and my brother actually did so manly work in preparation for berfday. Oh, btw, I have a back door now. Jealous? Then, at Home Depot, there was a sign about some promotion and how if the cashier didn't mention it you get a free coke. But no one in front of me in line said anything. I must admit that I was a little bit nervous about bringing it up and didn't know when was the right time. Like, can't she just say that she was about to tell you. So I waited until I was walking away. She...was...not...happy. I asked her if she had to pay for it herself and she said yes. Then said no. So I have no idea, but I got free soda which is pretty much unbeatable. I think coke even had commercials for awhile where the whole premise is someone who gives away coca-cola and how that makes everyone love them and life.

Bought fancy condoms today. A little bit scared, because what if they are super awesome and then I can't go back to cheap regular ones. I am trying to maintain a doable lifestyle.

Sports: A nadal forehand spins 80 times before it touches the ground. Its spinning 18 times as fast as its moving!!! I can't even imagine it in my head if I try to slow down the ball and make a picture. Like the only way I can even pretend is if I keep the ball completely still and have it spin slowly.

More sports: U-S-A!!!! U-S-A!!! If you don't know what this means, you can can send back your patriot card immediately please. You're aren't necessarily a terrorist (does this mean the government reads my blog now?) but you aren't a good person either. We probably have no chance against Brazil, but to be honest, we didn't even belong in this game to begin with.

Keeping up with the blogs: Siobhan Harper has a blog. Don't ask, never read it. I just think its funny because its called something like Her Majesty of Sarcasm or something. Which is the opposite of Siobhan Hagan super earnest blog about the death of sincerity and how to help people in a broken world. This is a pretty dumb point because I wouldn't be bringing it up if they were two Kristinas or whatever, but give me a break.

Two awesome things and yet another section

2009-06-23T21:09:00.000-07:00

Thing one: Magic cards circa 2002. The have mirrodin drafts online as a promotion the last two weeks or so. The format is just so awesome. Me and rob noticed instantly that modern limited is way too fast. The creatures are just too big; you have no time to set anything cool up. If they play a two and three drop, you simply have to kill them or play an equally huge guy right away. In Mirridon block, the only way to get in for more than 2 is to equip a guy, a play that takes timing, combinations, and interactivity because they can blow up your artifact or your dude and change everything. Lots of time you do things like play t2 v. morningstar/spawning pit, t3 pearl shard and just use your time to set up complicated and interactive board states. Its awesome and fun limited magic, almost every game. Even the bombs are so interactive. You beat them all the time, even the best ones. Anyway, formats in which the games go to turn 12 are awesome. And mirrodin is so much better than a base set, because the cards are so interesting and their are lots of combinations.

Thing two: convincing your brother to play tennis after work so instead of just going home and doing electronic things, you get to play sports!!! Also, pretty excited to watch USA get outclassed against Spain tomorrow.

Speaking of sports, new suspense/question but wait for the answer section: In a typical baseline rally, how many full rotations of topspin does a R. Nadal forehand spin? To be clear, the ball is traveling about 100 mph and it takes about one full second before it lands on the side of the court. The answer next time.

Tagged

2009-06-16T20:53:00.000-07:00

Things I never do:

1. Buckle my seat belt.
2. Get up before noon.
3. Floss (I tried for a spell, but it is a hard habit to form)
4. Exercise
5. Call the one person who needs calling

Things I always do:
1. Listen to NPR.
2. Compete/fight/argue/act contrary
3. long
4. read magic the gathering websites at or near midnight, when they update
5. go nuts and do lots of chair dancing in my car when one of my many jamz happens. This is a constant source of awkwardness since I mostly drive around in a big circle surrounded by pedestrians who know me.

Things I sometimes do:
1. Earnestness (I know, gross)
2. Eat like a King.
3. blog

So this guy on Magic online has been hounding me because he is starting a website and he wants me to provide content. He says he will pay me so I think I might write a few articles for him and see if it works out. I am kind of excited about it I guess. More so about being able to write that are just purely technical because the readership is focused than about maybe becoming Internet famous. I think I might write about how to learn from other games, which is kind of a rich topic, probably for the same reason we all try to learn how to live by observing others. Have to remember to have Thad introduce me to the Go Master he just befriended.

Tomorrow might be a big day but for all the wrong reasons. Off to the clinic to try to get some antibiotics then retail for father's day and domestic things that get depleted when I leave the house in my brother's hands. Then backdoor fixing appointments in preparation for birthday party. Then softball. Then, if I am really brave, maybe I can do the thing I have been too chickenshit to do for the last two nights. Since when do I get really really nervous about girls? Its so silly and it drives me nuts that I don't have enough poise to get what I want in life. I do enough self sabotage as it is without also not having the resources of faculty required to obtain that which, at least in theory, has the potential to give me a sliver of calm. [new question: who write sentences like that?]

Who's the Boss?

2009-06-11T19:02:00.000-07:00

6/11/09: How famous is your mom? Probably not as famous as mine is going to be in like 6 months when she is on a reality show with Tony Danza!!!! Apparently he wants to be a school teacher or something and has a new show and my mom is going to be his coach and is going to be in the classroom with him showing him how it is done. Stay tuned about it. My mom is being a little bit lame and keeps talking about being worried that her kids won't learn as much but I am trying to convince her that being a little bit famous is the most important thing in the whole world.

I am pretty upset about damage no longer going on the stack. If you know what this is, come and talk to me about it because I need to get it off my chest that as soon as I get on the train they make my game into Pokemon. It is really pretty sad. Anyone have any suggestions for a new game? Actually, it kinda seems like too much work. Good luck to anyone ptqing this weekend and shame on you to everyone in my life has given up on playing the game and seeing the world because it is obv doable if I made it happen.

Mission Accomplished: No Sun Burn

2009-06-10T13:14:00.001-07:00

6/10/09: Honolulu is a tourist trap. I know what you are thinking. Just stop it already. But wait... the beach, the zillion pretty Japanese women, surfing? Nope. Those things are real but its mostly retail, awful restaurants, jaywalking tickets, gigantic tourists in not enough clothes, and fascist swimming pool rules (every pool we could find closed at seven. almost as if the hotel gets a kickback from sunburn itself). At least the ocean was only off limits from 2am to 5am, an opening time we put to the test a few times. Unfortunately I was the only one brave enough to face the killer sharp rocks and heavy surf beyond the kiddie barriers they had erected in the water. Drunk and lonely and salty and contemplative in the tropics watching the sun come up? Yes please I guess but i would have settled for a vacation sweetheart.

The most fun I had was playing basketball because it was the only time I got to hang out with real Hawaiians. They are very short, they love pot, (which was weird, because it seems like it would be hard to import and the Honolulu PD is stacked. Like 10 to a block, bikes, cops on surfboards [not kidding], motorcycles, hummers. stacked.) they all have this funny laugh which is simultaneously warm and very shy. They cover their mouths when they laugh, even for raucous humor or sick burns, even teenage boys who play basketball and wear fubu or whatever. Did you know that basketball is very intense athletic activity? I forgot. But my teams won every time, even though I am terrible. Go defense, rebounding, setting picks. Even on vacation, I can't seem to develop a lower gear.

Magic cards went pretty awesome, but I knew they would. My deck was the only real choice, and it performed pretty well, despite me giving it to everyone who asked. I only lost to double and triple mulligans, insane cascade chains, and once to the mirror [which really isn't the mirror at all because they have terrible cards that die to Bit. Blast but are awesome against me.] I am so much better at limited than everyone, but that is probably because I draft ten times as much as they do. I even dominated at money draft, which was a first. Long story short, 38th place is almost 800 bucks, plus an invitation to Austin, which is a cheap plane ticket and apparently a fun town. The bad part is that there is no reason to play magic cards right now. So the agenda has become threefold for the rest of summer.

1) parlay fixing of back door into cleanup and grill buying into massive birthday party softball bbq.

2) continued self improvement accumulating into employment at company of distinction. I get a feeling this one isn't going anywhere.

3) dates with dream girl. Lately, actually dream girl. None worth telling though. They are mostly just really nice. It always feels weird in the morning though because I'm not really that guy. How dumb is it that I get embarrassed all by myself? Like I have this notion of myself that needs protection from the invastion that is the things i want.

Time tested secrets for capturing the heart of mr. right

2009-05-14T19:31:00.000-07:00

5/14/09: A month ago, Andy brought up this thing in conversation called "The Rules" that I had never heard of before. He said it was a system for women to pick up men. I didn't believe that it existed. Boys like girls more than almost anything. Girls don't need a system for getting boys for the same reason drug dealers don't need advertising. The product kinda sells itself.

This being the funniest thing, I take the book out of the library. It has not disappointed. It turns out it is targeted to a particular kind of lady. Namely, those that are batshit crazy about boys and desperate to get married. Its full of lots of good advice like not bringing up baby names on a first date or not wasting your time writing variations of your name combined with his. The strategy is basically playing hard to get but very extreme. No eye contact, never call a man, never talk during a date, etc. etc. Just smile and nod and let boys wonder about how mysterious and great you are. There is also alot of talk about how important it is to read Vogue and Cosmo and all the fashion magazines and how you should never leave the house without make-up, etc.

Besides thinking it is funny that there is a market for books telling girls that they will be more successful at dating if they "have interests" instead of sitting at home thinking about boys, I hope that girls don't actually do this. Or more specifically, I am the king of going on a date with a girl, having an okay time, but leaving the experience thinking she's not that into it (or me, I guess) and then not following it up. I hope these weren't "rules girls" expecting me to chase them. Also, I have been consistently into the same girl for 5 years now, and she introduced herself to me.

Sports: I joined the Standard Tap softball team and dragged my brother along. We had our first game yesterday. I am still awful at baseball. I botched a play in the outfield and hit a weak ground ball. But in my other at bat I had my most successful plate appearance ever due to a unique co-ed rule: if you take a walk with a girl batting behind you, she gets to walk too. Why would I ever swing at a zero or one strike pitch? It kinda sucked because you don't get to hit and she doesn't either but its pretty awesome finding a way to do better than a home run.

We forget how important balls and strikes are. They are the metagame of baseball. They influence every decision at the plate and in the field. If the ump isn't calling the outside corner, and therefore the pitcher isn't throwing out there, it makes sense to play the hitter to pull. For every inch the strike zone increases, a pitchers willingness to throw a strike falls exponentially, not linearly. Because its not as big of a penalty to get behind in the count.

Remember that famous at bat that Myers had against C.C. Sabathia that set up the "Grand Slam Home Run Shane Victorino"? (Also, I learned today doing blog 'research' that me and my brother made this up, it never happened, he wasn't even calling the game then. Me and Jay just say it so much that is just kind of became real.) What everyone forgets is that C.C. stuck him out earlier in the at-bat. Go back and look at it. http://philadelphia.phillies.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?content_id=3586441 (about :43, its an 0-2 slider, which i guess was called high) or even better, http://crashburnalley.com/?p=219 (the third pitch). I couldn't find the radio call, but Anderson even admits that is was a strike. This is a very different game if that inning ends there. Balls and Strikes.

Making things weird when they don't have to be

2009-05-09T16:12:00.000-07:00

5/9/09: Sweet Dreams- I am a dad in my dream. I have a daughter. Trying to be 'cool dad' I start the safe sex talk. Probably too early but I justify. She won't go for the "just to be ready when you are ready" pill so I get her condoms. It becomes an inside joke. Not sure if that is real, if people have inside jokes with parents. But in my dream it makes us both laugh and i guess I am okay at being cool dad. Somehow part of the joke is I get her a new box of condoms as a gag gift for christmas and stuff even though she assures me she hasn't needed them yet. Like I would care. At the end of the dream I have the revelation that if she is gay then I look like a total retard and am worried that I am not being a very supportive and open dad. Pretty sure no one has the guts to come out to dad as he give you condoms. Thanks dreams. Like I don't have enough awkwardness and self-doubt in real life.

Does anyone know the cultural norms behind race and sports jerseys? I was with Sue when I thought of this, but its not exactly her forte. I saw a black guy in a Jayson Werth jersey and it struck me as weird. Its not like I think black guys shouldn't wear white guy uniforms (obviously white guys where black guy jerserys all the time, but that is because lots of start athletes are black) its just that Werth is kind of a vanilla player. So its almost as if you are trying to pick the whitest white guy. If I picked the one black hockey player and wore his jersey, or the one Hawian basketball player or whatever, then I would certainly partially be cheerleading his race as well as the player. If there are no rules and I am just being silly about one of the few areas in which we are completely over it, just let me know I guess but until then any black guy in a Jayson Werth jersey is probably saying, "that's my white boy."

Thanks to Rob, I have been totally geeking out about advancednflstats.com. Its pure economics in a way that stuff on the financial pages can never be because of culture, politics, rackets, inside information, etc. Andy has been talking about being a little worried about taking statistics. My new advice to him is to find a blog about something he likes alot that is written like this one. It forces you to understand what a z value is when you want to understand a smart argument written by a smart person about a cool topic. Its such a powerful tool. Makes me wish I was back in school.

Movies and Market Zen

2009-05-04T15:28:00.000-07:00

5/4/09: It so strange to me how different the life experiences of my brother and I are considering how much of our lives we have spent under the same roof. He ran out of movies to download so he looking on top 100 movies of all time lists and getting those (which I am pretty happy about, I will write a post soon about how the market approximates an objective evaluation of art) and yesterday he was downloading a movie and said, "Man, this movie looks so awesome." I guess you can see the movie in fast forward or whatever in a small screen as it loads or whatever. So I ask him what he is stealing, and he says, "uh, what's it called?, uh, Blade Runner." Then we talked about how handsome Harrison Ford was back in the day, or maybe mostly I did, but he was polite enough not to give me any shit about what I am sure he thought was pretty gay.

Some fast movie reviews:
Mad Dog and Glory: No one has seen this M. Scorsese blank even though it has a hundred movie stars that we all like such as DeNiro, B. Murray, Uma, etc. It is a vanilla movie with great acting, which I like better than the reverse.

The Ten: This movie could have been soooo much better. Its right up my alley sense of humor wise, but it was just a little too silly to become a classic. But I like movies with no point, I like movies with Ms. Ryder, and I like movies that are irreverent. Paul Rudd didn't even ruin it but I really do dislike him. Also, I don't know who casted the movie, but they have excellent taste in women. Girl from Rounders? Famke with the legs and legs and legs? Not even allowed to like her because every other boy thinks she is the bees knees Alba? Winny? Check, check, check and checkmate.

Choke: The "fight club twist" in this movie is so bad. Its also not the kind of movie that needs a twist, it isn't as if there is any built up tension to release or questions the audience cares about. I am the target audience for this kind of movie (probably right? slacker who doesn't give a fuck about the rules, with lots of sex scenes, and self hatred mixed in, plus a critique of medicine and therapy) and I am telling you to not waste your time.

Josh B is moving out to germantown or mt. airy or somewhere. I asked him why all the way out there and he told me that he went on the Internet, typed in a price and the word "deck" and that that was the closest residence available. I didn't realize it at the time, but this is a very sophisticated and I guess "zen" strategy for being happy in life. Just let the market sweep you where it will. It is so simple and free of moral judgements or disappointment. This is what I want, these are the resources I have, this is what is out there. 1,2,3. It also frees you from ever being "stuck" because there is always an equilibrium to rebalance, a new place where the things would be more efficient, a new job or house or friend living somewhere new. Part of being stuck is our tendency to hold on to things, to become attached. And then right out from under us, those things change because nothing is permanent and then we get an uneasy feeling. But if we never held on in the first place, we would only ever experience fresh, perfect, fleeting, moments of things.

We live with the choices we make

2009-04-30T19:42:00.000-07:00

4/30/09: Lazy day today. Spent most of it being very sick, sleepy, and then watching some movies. Its the last day of the month and I wanted to make up some conclusions, there being none that arise naturally, to inject some literary meaning on this contrived endeavour.

Cons: I didn't lose as much weight as I would have liked. I didn't learn anything about myself of anything silly like that. I had a much reduced amount of "good times" at a few choice events due to my level of sobriety. Siobhan never got around to pranking me by getting girls to call me in order for me to turn down first dates. I am certain I will be hooked again instantly if I ever smoke a cigarette (which i probably will). It always came up at social events and wasn't an easy thing to explain or interesting to talk about, so I always just came off as a bore.

Pros: Writing makes you feel like your life matters more in the same way that people remember events better when pictures are involved. It might end up being one of those things that people get to tease me about forever.

Conclusion: I wouldn't do it again, but you can't blame a bored kid for trying to spice his life up (although choosing dullness as spice is a risky choice at best).

Sorry for never getting around to buying a digital camera. But what was I really going to take pictures of anyway?

If I can get over this flu, maybe a get-together is in order tomorrow as a celebration to the end of No Fun April.

Exposures

2009-04-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

4/29/09: Don't anyone every let me forget how much I love Reyes. I am super sick and he let me leave work early, but that isn't even why I love him. His sense of humor is just so unique and untouchable. Miller came in to eat tonight and couldn't even keep up, he just rolled his eyes as in, "oh Reyes, never gunna get you."

No Fun April is almost over and I can't decide whether to keep writing or not. I have kinda run out of new things to say about asceticism, which is why the topics have gotten more diverse, and I don't really feel like my life is interesting right now (sorry about "stuck" Andy, I didn't mean it in such a terrible way, in my opinion the vast majority of people are stuck) although I am lucky enough in life that that can change in an instant. I would like to write a technical Magic blog, but few people would want to read that. Maybe I will pick a new theme. Still not sure.

A new thing to be sad about. I kinda thought my face paint on Sat. night was awesome, and so I let some people take pictures of me. The light colors didn't really show up, and you can hardly see it. This might just be self-loathing, but I always feel so not photogenic (maybe its vanity to assume that I look better in person?)when I look at pictures of myself. New ones on the internet don't fail to disappoint.

The game we (I) play

2009-04-28T19:33:00.000-07:00

4/28/09: Magic can be a frustrating game. Sometimes it feels like you are stuck playing chess, but you have to be black all day long, always behind on turns, answering your opponent, never really getting to play. But unlike chess, you never get that dominating feeling when you are ahead. Until the game is actually over, it is almost impossible to truly be in more that just a "winning position", there is always a combination of cards that beats you, cards that you don't know about. Its the most depressing kind of hermeneutic adjustment, you have to struggle just be in a position to settle, always fighting against a universe of possibilities, like Sisyphus's game in Z dimensions.

Magic is also about value. You have to play the best cards. Its like hanging out with rich people all the time. You'd rather spend time with people that are more interesting, but they can't help you in the ways you need. Speaking of this, I used to hang out with lots of rich people, back when I felt like my life could go places. Lawyers, academics, finance people. Hanging out with old Temple friends this weekend reminded me that not all young people are stuck and happy, revelers and jokers. Do I really care about big things? Probably not. Do I think about it alot? Certainly yes.

Reading a book. "101 Damnations: The Humorists' Tour of Personal Hells." Don't bother with this one. I am the kind of person who likes to dwell in dark places. I want to hear about terrible terrible things. This book is just about missing the bus, splitting the check, and being bald. Maybe its sicks that I wanted to hear about losing a child, being in a coma, and realizing you are getting Alzheimer's, but I find the stupid petty stuff boring even though in real life I am a whiner. One gem though: I learned that T. S. Elliot said that, "April is the cruelest month." I think he was talking about taxes and rain and shit, but it makes sense to me regardless.

S and S

2009-04-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

4/27/09: OG called me out on facebook for blogging about her. Apparently see has a PR person that scours the internet. Oops.

You know what is no fun? Its April and its already much too hot. Can't we just get some solid bike weather? It went from too cold, to too windy, to too rainy, and now too sweaty.

Whenever I watch Hulu, this ad comes on during the dot time for some charity that I guess runs food kitchens or whatever. Something about 1 in 8 Americans is hungry. But the ad is so funny. Its just pictures of obese Americans.

I've been trying to go to Monday night movie at the Troc for about 4 years now. I finally get around to it and it gets canceled. Thanks No Fun April.

Is this short enough for you Sarah?

Blank White Cards and Divergent Tests

2009-04-26T21:28:00.000-07:00

4/26/09: The situation at my house: There are about a dozen power tools, a few toolboxes, and some assorted supplies in my living room. There is a fish tank at the top of the stairs which blocks access to the bathroom, and both bedrooms. My brother's idea of cleaning: Take everything that belongs to me that is in the kitchen, including things that belong in the kitchen because they pertain to food, and put them in a big pile. Thanks, roomie.

I never know what the women in my life are thinking, or what the motivation behind their actions is. Its because I never ask them to decide. I hate it when girls ask me to decide, so why should I be able to do it to them. I guess I am just stuck in the dark here. Its just funny that my intuition about signals and such doesn't improve with time or with trials. Although I generally feel like I blew it and I have a sneaking suspicion that its not just pessimism.

I played another one of Evan's awesome games (I am so jealous btw, I wish I was the best at this) called "Blank White Cards." Its more of a design puzzle/ collaborative joke/ war of tongues than a game. Basically everyone makes up funny cards that either ask people to do party-like things or that specifically make fun of someone or reference something that happened, etc. And every time they play they keep all the best cards and get rid of the rest. So it has evolved into its own thing. I guess you could theoretically make a more generic version but it wouldn't be the same thing. While making cards, Rob asked me to draw the artwork on his new cards, and I learned that I am not half bad if I take my time and don't try anything too hard (like people, or hands, both impossible).

I've been thinking so much about divergent tests lately. They come up so much in the parts of conversation that i like the most. Yesterday at the pope we got one started spontaneously that I found particularly delightful. Someone made a vague hand gesture while speaking that was basically their palms up and them oscillating the positions of their hands up and down. And we just all starting thinking about funny things that that hand gesture could mean like someone drunk trying to hold drinks, someone doing the "balancing the scale" thing, someone pumping iron, etc. It ended up catching on and we did it all night for the hand gestures people made. Its like interpretive reverse charades. Regardless, for some one who likes and is good at the regular kind of test, lately I can't get enough of the "take this and run with it" kind.

My brother figured out this awesome thing yesterday where he can download a movie and put it straight to a dvd without putting it on my computer and slowing me down. This is important because no matter how many times I ask him and he promises, he is incapable of deleting anything ever. Because of this I got to see "The Wrestler" on a giant TV last night. Frankly I thought I would like it more. I have a hard time suspending my disbelief when I can't identify with any of the decisions the characters make. Silliness or off-the-wall premises I can get over because the director is flat out asking you to come with him, but when the characters inside the movie themselves makes choices I don't get, somehow I can't follow.

How to meet Internet Celebrities

2009-04-25T23:39:00.000-07:00

4/25/09: Big day today. Rob woke me up pretty early (10:30) so we could go play magic cards together like the buds we are. I slept in my contacts for the first time, which was a pretty No Fun April thing to do. It made my eyes hurt so much but Rob gave me his special "Jewish" (?) eye drops, which I never used, but which helped in the moral support department. I forget sometimes how much we are basically BFF. Today while playing with new magic cards, this very very strange thing happened where we both misread all of the same cards in exactly the same ways. This is hard to explain if you don't understand what a magic card is but its kinda like if we both misread a particular sentence in a book the wrong way. And then another one a hundred pages later also in exactly the same way. And again. Rob says we think the same and therefore we both want magic cards to work the same way. We also made up some new inside jokes to add to our canon.

Thad's pizza party was okay but his friends are all married and old. There were some highlights though like finding someone who wants to take some old NES video games off my hands, and seeing Stephanie, who I have a connection with, or maybe I am making that up and she is just super charming in which case its exactly the same thing only I am happy just to see her.

Then I ate bad Vietnamese food. But guess who with? The girl who wrote Obama Girl!!! And box in a box!!! Not Lying! In retrospect, I am pretty disappointed that I didn't brag about this in real life today cause its awesome.

The Club Lyfestyle people really have it right. All people need is a tiny bit of context to get a party going. Just pick something and make everyone do it and then people will have something to do together. Pretty quickly they will make new friends, get excited about partying, whatever etc. and then everyone actually gets what they came for. Tonight's context was face-painting, only I got myself in trouble by getting a very intense look. When I went to KFN, the bouncer said I "looked like [I] just made out with a mermaid."

I am sure lots of other awesome things happened, but I have been getting requests to keep it brief, so you don't get to hear about them.

Heist Lessons, Part one: deny, deny, deny

2009-04-24T22:37:00.000-07:00

4/24/09: Took off both my shifts today. Not sure why. Just didn't feel like going in.

Hung out with old Temple friends tonight. It was fun i guess but I remember why I don't hang out with them all that much. Maybe its me (or maybe I have more fun when I drink) but I just can't get anything going with them it seems.

Best part was on the way out someone came to knock on the door but I opened it right as he did. He asked me whose OCR-2 that was, and then he pointed to my bike and I told him it was mine. Then he goes into this weird thing where he asked me where I got it and what my name was and all these questions. And I give him what I think are good lies but basically he convinces me that it actually is his bike. (or was, sucker) Then he says, " Where do you live, fishtown?" (where I got the bike) but I lie and say I'm from the Norfeast. But it backfires because then he asks me if I know Jesse and Jay, the twins, because they are from the northeast. I lie about that too and am on my way somehow without him just beating me up and taking his bike back but he said, "I hope you aren't lying to me, because I am around." So now I'm scared that the drug dealer I stole my bike from is going to get me.

Tomorrow is a big day: Prerelease, fishtown party thing at Penn Treaty, Thad's pizza party, Holly's Mii party. We will see if I can do it all and still have no fun.

Who wants to throw me a May 1st Fun Party ? It's a friday and I deserve it (even though I broke most of the rules).

I stood up Ira Glass because I am jealous of how big his frames are

2009-04-23T20:37:00.000-07:00

4/23/09: Not being able to sleep is when I come up with my best ideas. Here are two from last night:
1. A Risk Calculator Ap for an iPhone. I have wanted to make an actual unit to be sold as a supplement to a risk game that simulates a dice rolling randomization for a risk scenario because that's the most annoying part of the game. So instead of rolling dice all night you just type in 15 armies vs. 18 armies on defense and it tells you the outcome. But there is no reason to have to make a physical unit if I can just learn how to make and iPhone app for it. I don't need to own an iPhone to want to do this, right? [Also, I think its funny that I actually do the lower case i and capital P thing. Its very not me to buy in to such marketing silliness, especially when I don't have any affiliation with the product. Good job Apple, you win.]

2. Non-economists might not like this one, but its actually pretty brilliant. People should have been able to predict the housing bubble using rental markets. Imagine a smart person trying to find a place to live in an inflated housing market. She doesn't want to buy a house because the easing of credit restrictions has led to artificially high prices [its like moving along a demand curve by adding lots of extra buyers, people that normally couldn't compete for such and such house] so her other option is renting. But rental prices are related to the value of the home, or more directly, what the market can bear. And in this environment, lots of renters waiting out the silly prices will drive even the rental market up. So she has to live in less house then she would normally. This is why people always complain about a lack of low-income housing during a housing boom. Because smart consumers are forced into living in houses that are actually too small for them. If the growth in housing was real growth in people's ability to pay for housing, then you wouldn't see this competition for rents at the bottom, there would be an even distribution of increase in housing price. Lots of growth at the bottom of the market is the best predictor of a bubble. This also applies to other industries. The years when Tiffany's starting selling down-scale items, it was also a predictor of a coming doom for diamond prices, and jewelry sales in general. Cars is another good example. When People are buying hybrids, and economy cars the car companies should scale down their operations for the next year because its a sign that sales aren't going to be good next year for all cars, not just big ones. Its really a shame that no one is making any money of all these brilliant ideas of mine.

More trader joe's today, and I felt really rad because the wind was blowing really really hard and I'm getting fast again but then I got there and there was a million middle aged NoLibs people there with bike helmets and I just felt very white. My new strategy is to buy food that is too "weird" for my brother to eat. You know, things like hummus, soy milk, oysters, sweet potatoes, any kind of grain that requires boiling water to eat, white asparagus, etc , etc. Hey, if it forces me to eat better, its not so bad.

Why does God let good things happen to bad people?

2009-04-22T19:35:00.000-07:00

4/22/09: Its no secret that I've been feeling really low lately. Still no word on whether its No Fun April related. But today was very flat and dull and lame and boring and I was really down and feeling very trapped in my life and very alone and then I got home and got two emails with the best titles ever: "Invitation to Pro Tour Honolulu- DCI Rating (T)" and "Invitation to Pro Tour Honolulu- DCI Rating (C)." For the purposes of this blog, you don't need to know the difference between total and composite rating or even why rating is important. All you need to know is that I am so good at Magic that the powers that be think that I should be invited 3 times over. And now I feel like who cares if I am not in a good place and am lonely because at least I'm a rad planeswalker.

My brother and I have a funny laundry situation. We have a working washer but no dryer. But we also have lots of apartments and residences of other sorts coming into and out of our lives pretty frequently. So we just take laundry with us to the job site (or in my case, even if I'm not going to do any work) sometimes and throw in a load. Apparently my brother did this at my grandmother's house, which the family is selling and which my brother fixed for free so it would sell. And then he forgot about them and they have been there for maybe two weeks or so. My aunt, on seeing the clothes in the laundry because she was visiting the house because she has nothing else to do, called my mother in a worry. My mom told her that they were probably ours and that she would ask us about it. My aunt then informed my mother that she took the clothes back with her to N.J.! You know, to make things easier for everyone. Welcome to the Kolos family. Where that is the most elegant solution to the "oh no, there are clothes in the clothes dryer" situation.

The El Camino is gone forever. Thanks for nothing Ian.

How to make friends and influence people, only in reverse order and not really because i dont know about those things

2009-04-22T00:49:00.000-07:00

4/21/09: Steve Miller saved me money today. I got bored at work and I went to go buy some sneakers I saw in his shop last week when I was trying to sneak back into his life. Also I probably want fresh kicks to impresses girls/the girl. But apparently he is a successful businessman and he had sold them all. Thanks SM.

I took this book out of the library (sometimes when I take out 5 dvds and 5 cds I get a little bit embarrassed so I browse the shelves so I can take out a book too) called the laws of power. I thought it was going to be about how societies structure their decision making apparatus and how the idea of power has evolved over time with the rise of marketing, information networks, etc. Instead, its just a bunch of business speak with chapters like "Conceal your intentions", "Learn to keep people dependant on you" or "Never appear too perfect." It almost hard to not take it as a joke, except its like 400 pages. I can imagine someone reading it and taking it at face value and I find the idea of working on your ability to be powerful so funny. As if it were a goal in itself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRIvG7nZDOw&feature=related

More songs with no videos. For only liking the most famous rap songs ever, I am pretty good at finding these.

I got suckered into going to 700 tonight for some Joey Sweeny thing. It was the worst obviously, he just played jazz records and then this terrible guy played sloppy songs that i think were supposed to be funny but I couldn't hear the words because he was screaming them and just kept yelling obscene words. But I wanted to comment on seeing that one of the bartenders who I recognize because he is a NoLibs O.G. was there even though he wasn't working. It might be different for bars, because maybe you drink for free, but this is something that needs to be talked about because I found myself once or twice doing this, as if Rustica was a place to hang out, or pre-game, or meet up before going somewhere else and its just so lame. Maybe its because I've been rewatching episodes of the office but I've been thinking alot about work as a social outlet lately. I don't know what I want to replace it but I don't like it as a one and only place. Certainly not the church, or a social club like mensa, or a charity, or a country club, and not a "third place" like a starbucks either. So what then? Magic cards, sports, book club, art collectives all seem ok. House parties are obviously ideal, but if they were a regular hang out thing then they would quickly lose their ability to draw in different groups of people and would evolve into a "regulars" kind of thing. I guess this is why grown ups tend to go for big events whether they be weddings, or family reunions, or conferences of all sorts. Life just doesn't have good built in ways to hang out with new friend prospects . Everyone in my life is lamenting about this recently, that we don't meet people as fast as we used to. Andy says that's just because we know everybody already. Maybe he has a point. But maybe its something that I can get better at. Maybe someone should write a book about that.

Portion Control Diet

2009-04-20T21:39:00.000-07:00

4/20/09: Thought of a new sketch comedy bit today, but not from a dream. Sue got a tiny vegtable chopper as a reward for getting herself into credit card debt, and complained that it was too small for use. I imagine a commercial for a new weight loss company that comes to your house and steals all your kitchenware. They leave your food, but replace your knives and forks with they tiniest "portion control" utensils. Same with bowls, cutting boards, microwaves, etc. Scenes of people looking guilty at the supermarket and then eating with a teaspoon or trying to cut a piece of meat with a tiny exacto knife.

I forget how awesome my life is alot. Today a librarian wanted to be my best friend. She kept trying to talk to me about Curb your Enthusiasm (I was taking out her favorite show, we have the same taste!!!) and wanted to ask my opinion about whether cable was worth it or not (she has it on 3 tvs) and wouldn't let me go but kept apologizing about not having any more bags even though I clearly had my big bag and was fine. And I was a little annoyed, but then I realized that all she deals with all day is the homeless or next-to-homeless, the ultra elderly, and little rugrats who are at the library for the same reason they are total brats: their parents never wanted to be parents and are bad at it. Then I just felt bad for her for just wanting a regular conversation with a customer who was polite, efficient, and didn't want anything from her. Me and my brother talked about this last week in regards to possible fields of employment and how rough it would be to do so many jobs. It came up talking about how miserable our parents always are after work hanging out with ghetto kids all day. But is it any different working in a hospital or a nursing home and being surrounded with so much death and suffering? Or what about being a police officer, a judge, or a lawyer? Is crime a better workplace? Even something like customer service would drive me nuts. I love solving problems but I can't stand solving other people's problems when I feel like its a problem they should fix themselves. Needy people, dramatic people, dull people, they all irk me. On the other hand, I would find it just as unpleasant working in sales, or advertising, or at a casino or insurance company stealing from people all day. It sad enough not having a place in the world yet. But failing at a thought experiment where you make one up? That's pretty pathetic.

[I like how it only takes me a paragraph to go from "I am lucky" to "I am pathetic"]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kG_qcud1ShM

We are sort of coming down the home stretch and I need some outside energy to keep things fresh. Please help the cause of No Fun April with suggestions of things I could do that would capture the spirit of the experience. Also, I would like the thank the rain for making my job so easy lately.

"Live Forever, Die at Home"

2009-04-19T22:14:00.000-07:00

4/19/09: You know how sometimes Andy makes things sound really epic and how all of your friends are there? And then you show up and half of the time it is true and half the time you are in the gayborhood with the west philly scene from two summers ago at a leather bar? Last night was the latter kind of night. Trying to be natural at the bar was rough as always not drinking but the night actually turned out ok. I learned San Fransisco Alex lives in NoLibs in an awesome party/punk house with a great backyard, I got to see Alene and she got a promotion, and from remarks that were made today I apparently got a little of my game back. This wasn't totally shocking news when I learned about it today however: I surprised myself by initiating thumb war (my new thing maybe to replace cards tricks and pieing. Its a pretty good move. Its innocent and fun. There's touching and competition involved. Plus girls are pretty bad at it so you look good either winning or letting them win.) with a tall girl that we met when Andy introduced us to her even though he didn't know her. Anyone else when they get really sloppy and tired at a party gets on my nerves, but Andy just turns into this sweaty mess that I guess I don't mind for the same reason people don't mind a puppy. He knocks stuff over and is a little gross and clumsy, but if you are focusing on that you are just missing the point.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-bSd2lAwGA

No real video for this gem. But this youtube special has a lot of good features like Russian subtitles, that thing where the text of the lyric pops up on important words, and very fast edits from other tupac videos.

I am rediscovering a lot of my old vegan tricks. I starting doing this thing that I used to do at
Deep Springs all the time: eating bread and butter (margarine) with a cup of tea. I didn't get it then and I still don't but it dulls my ache for a bit with carbs and warmth. Decaf tea is okay. I can't even tell the difference really.

Despite these retro technologies, I've also been cheating alot, and that's just cheating myself, my blog, and No Fun April. Got to get back on track even if it means no ice cream.

"So what do you do with your time?"

2009-04-18T20:14:00.000-07:00

4/18/09: More crushing despair. With that out of the way, let's move on.

I took a big bike ride today down through the city to Forman Mill's (5 dollar hoodies!), 26.99 sneaker place (no luck unfortunately, but new laces brighten up old kicks like some Cinnamon in your cup of decaf) and IKEA (makes me feel like I really have my act together when I pretend to care about domestic banalities, but I usually just scope it out and see what I would buy if I was a more important person). When I got home, I was inspired to figure out how good cycling is for the waistline. Mapquest distance? check. ask google how many calories? 2,250. REALLY? I commenced in eating my new food: weird "salad" thing with chopped up veggies and chickpeas in pita bread. Less fun then what I want to eat, but it reminds me of being a vegan for some reason which is fun.

Also on feeling like the person I used to be, I played guitar today! Nothing awesome to report on the song-writing front but still, remember when I used to care about it? Also related, I forgot to mention earlier this week that rain-check finally paid off. AAA batteries for .89? Thanks Pathmark. I also learned that it takes the clerk about 1 minute to enter in a raincheck for each scan. I bought the max (4 packages); I felt a little guilty as he was frantically typing and swiping and such. This is related to guitar if you remember because of guitar tuner. So cheating on that again was pretty awesome because I am a terrible musician probably due to something you are familiar with, namely, being a terrible listener.

New section: A link to a video of a rap song that I like and wish people played at parties more.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbzYXQpdUfU

Reports about the death of the El Camino might have been exaggerated. Jay as usual might come to rescue on this one. I'll try to keep you informed.

One last thing. Full disclosure. Looking back I realize I have already broken every rule except 3: cartoons (which was a joke because I don't watch them anyway), alcohol (the thing I thought about quitting first that led to No Fun April and therefore its focus), and first dates (who am i kidding?).

Pirates!!! but mostly football talk

2009-04-17T23:22:00.000-07:00

4/17/09: Nothing awesome happened in my life today I don't think but something awesome did keep happening on NPR. The four Swedish guys would run a site called PirateBay.com , which is a file sharing hub, got sentenced to a year in jail and 3.5mil in fines. The awesome part is twofold. 1) One of the guys used the plot of Karate Kid to describe their situation, saying that they are being bullied but will win in the end, only he went into crazy detail. So NPR reporters had to remind each other what happens in the movie, which was pretty great for me. 2) The suit has inspired a new political party in Sweden, called the Pirate party, whose main objective is copyright reform. If I need to tell you why that is awesome, you probably won't get the rest of what I write either, so give up.

Holly told me tonight that I "was a person of many interests, but few passions." Those Asians and their fortune cookiesque (cookiest?) insight.

Sports Section: So the Eagles signed Jason Peters. This is fantastic and a total upgrade from Trey Thomas. Young, stud, lineman are basically where it's at as far as free agency because their performance is so much more predictable than a skill position. And because they matter more. This isn't hard to get. People with that body type are relatively rare. Which means a smaller pool of athletes. Which means both a higher variance between athleticism, even at the top, and scarcity of talent in general. Whereas a running back body is a dime a dozen, so although impressive, there are a ton of guys who can run fast which means you shouldn't be paying for them, even the best ones. Because they guy almost as good is so close that its basically the same thing. And straight on down the line until you shouldn't be devoting resources to it at all. Obviously my position is not that extreme but more and more I feel like the Eagles really are out "Moneyballing" other NFL teams. They do a good job caring about what matters (in most things) and ignoring the rest. They keep their team young and cheap, which is super conveinent because young and hungry is what you want anyway. Look at our linebackers. All no name, young guys, that we pay peanuts but who are going to be a top 5 core next year. I liked Brain Dawkins. But is he worth what he is getting paid in Denver? hint: not close. Last year they got the best player in free agency in A. Samuel. He is not a shut down corner, but that's not how they do things on defense anyway. Plus, I always had the idea that your best corner should defend their weaker receiver with no help and then that let's you roll a safety to help the other side anyway. Not sure why this doesn't happen. I am on their team as far as receivers go as well, for the record. Its really a shame that a great quarterback is such a luck of the draw kind of thing considering how important it is to winning. But all things equal, I don't mind being the new Buffalo Bills. If you asked me, I would tell you that I don't care that much about football. But I sure do have lots of ideas about it so maybe I am tricking myself. Ask me about going for it on 4th down some day. Until then, I'm blaming Nick Neary for any geeking out I do about sports.

Probably never getting laid ever again, car edition

2009-04-17T11:42:00.000-07:00

4/16/09: I'm sorry about the late post. But yesterday my internet broke when people came over to my house to have fun. Don't worry, I didn't join in. Mostly Ben and Morgan and Andy and Deven just talked about music that I am not really that into anyways. Before that, I found out that I am awesome at providing clues at Saladbowl (or whatever that game is called) but a pretty bad guesser.

Worst news possible today. No more el Camino. No more summer time cruising. No more streams of compliments from people in all walks of life. No more NoLibs celebrity. If anyone has ideas on a new summertime shtick, let me know, because I am obviously not getting there on looks, charm, money, etc.

Sweet dream: I am a little kid. For Christmas (birthday?) I receive three presents: a bird, a gerbil/mouse, and a cat. I know. Then it skips to a new scene where the bird has already been eaten, the rodent escapes from the cage and I am trying to catch it or the cat before the inevitable happens. I fail. I am very nervous about telling the folks, but I don't realize until I wake up that the combination of these presents is a pretty dick move.

Through facebook comment linkage chains, I got to the see the R. Kelly/Usher video for "same girl". It is now one of my life goals to own as many outfits as they wear in the video.

You are welcome: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HN1SVSH40b4

Crazy crushing loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, self-doubt, etc has started in life recently, high-school style. It sucks. I don't know where it comes from and I am so bad at hiding it, managing it, etc. No pity party necessary and I don't even think its No Fun April related, although maybe constant drinking would help. Hard to say.

Drawing from a stone

2009-04-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

4/15/09: A final word on the sunk cost fallacy, I promise: my brother found this site called swoopo.com that appears to be an auction site at first glance. But they charge you to bid! The timing of this couldn't be more perfect for my blog!!! Blogging!!! The price of what they are auctioning off, usually a big ticket item like an iPhone or a TV only ever increases by .15 cents. The price to become the winning bidder is .75 cents. Each bid also adds 20 seconds to the auction preventing you from sneaking in at the last second. For those of you who don't already see, this is just a racket. Your .75 is just gone forever. It costs massive amounts of money to get the auction price even remotely close to the retail price (which is the only way to get other people out of the same sunk cost fallacy you yourself are in). And what is to stop the administrator of the site from bidding on her own items, preventing you from grabbing that elusive deal (dream big, Mr. twelve dollar big screen).

Today was the big day. I sold blood on Broad St. For those who are curious, my weight loss plan doesn't work. There are only 600 calories in a pint of blood according to the red cross. But I didn't go to the Red Cross. Those jokers are asking you to just give away your mighty vitality juice. Oh, btw, if you ever need a blood infusion, you might want to ask where it comes from. The waiting room in this place was the absolute dregs of the earth. When I enter a second time (I needed my social security card, which I wasn't prepared with, so I had to go to the Social Security Office where "24" was playing and 5 cops were watching it) there is a man (hard to say how old) with this brilliant phone call: "....see, you wasn't thinkin' straight. You drank too much and you can't make good decisions. See, I never understood all that. I never took to drinking or smoking that ish." At this point I think he is telling the person on the other end that they shouldn't do so many drugs. "I just want that straight crack rock." Oh, never mind. There was also a very good conversation about how giving blood is awesome not only because you get 20 bucks put also because you get really high if you smoke up right afterwards because you are already woozy from not having enough blood. It is a certain kind of person that can be incentivized with Mr. Jefferson to let you drain his blood. And it isn't really the kind of person you want to accept blood from.

The best part was the Temple girls. Anybody who went knows what I mean. Impossibly good-looking and fashion obsessed black girls that listen to top 40 hip hop but really deep down want to be indy kids they just aren't exposed to it. They flirted with me alot and wanted to talk about my clothes, Urban Outfitters (I tried to fake it, but I think they figured me out when I answered every other question with 'The Thrift Store"), and how much I liked going to Spain. I really blew it talking about Spain choosing to try to tell a complicated story about why they talk with a lisp when I should have made it short and sweet. I chalked this good luck up to my observation about the kind of person that gives blood. If you deal with the homeless all day, even I'm a catch. It worked out though, because a bunch of the questions they ask could have been hot-girl-doctor-giving-a-physical-awkward but they were cool although she tried to get a little bit too sexy talking about how great my veins were with both her hands around my bicep. Also, Andy was right about the gays. But apparently if you had tons of gay sex before 1977 and then quit for some reason you are okay, so at least they pretend its about Hi-5. Anyone who needs a self-esteem boost should totally do this. Not only are you the most eligible person to ever walk in the building, but the questions make you feel like the picture of perfect health. Do you have liver disease? No. Have you ever sold sex for money or drugs? Nope. Do you have diabetes? Uh-uh. And on and on until you feel lucky just to be just overweight and underemployed.

The nurses in the back weren't nearly as nice. "So, which arm do you want me to stick you in?" was the first thing she said to me. Also, I don't know if its illegal or what, but they just slip you a twenty as you walk out. They make it feel really shady, especially with the overuse of the word "donate."

All in all a pretty interesting thing to do. The only truly no fun part is being in a waiting room and trying to figure out if you want to sit down in a seat squeezed next to two people who you expect to ask you for change or to just stand. I chose stand but then I realized I was next to the only other white person in the room and I felt guilty about it. Sitting didn't work either because "You shouldn't be reading in here. This is where you go to give blood." Oh. Thanks.

Men in Blue>PPA

2009-04-14T23:18:00.000-07:00

4/14/09: What happens when you go to bed early in order to wake up the next morning to do some real work (i.e., anything involving houses I don't own or anything that is hard that I don't get paid for) and blood for money schemes? Answer: you sleep for 15 hours and still wake up in the afternoon? How is this even possible?! Its not like I am sleeping a little bit more than the average person. I sleep twice as much as one! I am partially blaming no drug lifestyle; I always get a little sleepy when I quit cigarettes, plus booze puts me out, and coffee is a no brainer I guess. But I'd I would also like to take advantage of my career free lifestyle while it lasts and that means being productive for more than 10 hours a day.

Today started off being in contention for the most no fun day of April. It rained. alot. obviously. But then I cut myself shaving this morning before work (4pm). And it bled and bled. It wasn't a big cut, and at first I just treated it normally, with a bit of toilet paper to soak and clot and whatnot. My brother is now the owner of the computer (still not sure how he pulled this off) so I try to watch a Margaret Cho dvd I took out of the library. She is unbearable now btw. My face is still bleeding when I leave the house an hour later. On the way to work I get pulled over for turning right on red where I shouldn't have. My face is still bleeding but I somehow manage to juggle putting a tissue to it to soak up blood and the officer doesn't even mention it. When he does the usual "do you know why I pulled you over?" routine I don't even fake it and tell him why. I am so guilty that I don't even try to get out of it, already thinking about blogging about how no fun I am having and how everyone should feel sorry for me for making such bad decisions (quitting drinking, breaking the rules of the road, having a pizza delivery job to begin with, etc.). Mind you that it is raining really hard at this point and the cop is getting pretty soaked coming back and forth. He comes back with my stuff and just says "Try to be careful." I look up, notice it is a guy who comes into Rustica all the time, and probably squeak out a "Thanks alot" although it probably just sounded like a muffed mumble. Then as he turns to walk away he adds to his "Try to be careful" some sick burns: "especially when its raining" "especially when there are cars coming" (true) and "put on your seat belt". I will exchange sick burns for no ticket any day. [an online apology to Frank that I hope he never gets the satisfaction of reading: my boss always talks about the above scenario but it never happened to me before and I didn't believe him as I have gotten a ticket with pizzas sitting next to me in the car. I owe him one for giving away his product in exchange for political favor. Go corruption.]

From there everything pretty much turned around. My shift was chill, Ian played Little Richard at the shop, I danced to it, the Mexicans made fun of me. When I got home I tried to get my stealing music off the internet groove back. I learned a little bit about .rar's and such but mostly miss napster. My iTunes is very embarrassing. It sucks to already be on the downward arc of my taste lifespan.

Jay and Emmy (his gf) when to Dave and Buster's tonight. Wasn't sure that was something people did, but okay. They did this weird thing where a program combines a picture of each of you and tells you what your baby will look like. Is it me or is this the most awkward/leading thing you could possibly do with your S.O.? Its like that girl who "casually" talks about the wedding ring she wants "some day".

One last thing. How the fuck was I a vegan for 5 years? Not to say I didn't cheat then too. But only once in a blue moon and it wasn't even a thing where guilt was the motivating force from keeping me on the straight and narrow. I just did it. Cruelty is way too good of a lifestyle.

Fake it 'til you make it

2009-04-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

4/13/09: In general, Ben G.'s prediction has proved correct. I have been less than diligent in my quest to do unfun things. I did lots of kitchen cleaning today so that counts I guess. Plus I did some things that could go either way: buying vegetables in large quantities for my personal consumption, library chores (I let my brother call his movie. He picked Ghostbusters. I delivered.) and the old job search although lets be honest: if i really wanted one, I'd probably have one.

The big news of the day is no fun. Me and Jay played baseball across the street and go figure: he is a total stud and I still can't hit (from when I was 12 and last played). It's not that I never touch the bat to the ball, but its rare, and when I do its at best a hard ground ball.

I spend the majority of the day winning at magic cards too fast, and then burning time by reading the wikipedia entry on game theory, especially games where irrational choices trump rational choices. Try this one: A group of people all guess a number, all aiming to guess 2/3 of the average of the group. The solution to this problem is zero, but no one every guesses that, not even mathematicians. I also got reminded about a sweet auction that works as normal except the second place finisher also has to pay the second place bid. Awesome stuff happens when auctioning off a twenty dollar bill where the last two people actually bid past twenty dollars after getting caught in a sunk cost fallacy, trying to lose a penny (on a bid of 20.01), instead of twenty bucks.

Baseball: Past, Present, Future

2009-04-12T18:58:00.000-07:00

4/12/09: Sweet Dream: I dreamt that I started a company (law firm maybe) whose primary business was setting up arrangements with people to hold their money for them before Medicare came to seize their assets. I'm pretty sure this is illegal but in my dream I figured out a way to get away with it using shell contracts within other contracts and was a total business hotshot. Its funny how often my dreams are actual an productive intellectual space. I had a dream last month about writing a complicated equation to determine the position of a projectile using multiple measurements each with its own degree of certainty relative to the proximity to the object in question which required weighing the importance of some measurements more than others. If that is what I dream about, I probably need something to do with my days.

Today was Easter dinner with the family, who were surprisingly cool about No Fun April, probably because I had warmed them up with years of veganism, which they were total dicks about. I probably cheated alot anyway, my mom probably puts butter in things just for kicks. My cousin is preggers, so that was a convenient thing to take up conversation time and my bro bailed early so I didn't look bad leaving too. Also, the state of PA owes me money!! This is hilarious and awesome especially since I don't pay any taxes considering my zero income. I stole baseball gear from the 'rents as well because I think I am going to have a baseball game for my birthday. Seems like a good way to force some sports into my life. Are people going to really not come to my birthday party because they hate sports that much?

My dad told me a joke. A drunk redneck stumbles into a lesbian bar, where he orders a drink and asks the bartender if she wants to hear a blond joke. A patron at the bar gives him a stern tap on the shoulder and informs him that the bartender is a black belt in karate, the bouncer is an Olympic wrestling champion, the girl playing pool is a marine, her girlfriend just got out of jail, and she herself is a body builder. Considering his state, she also points out that they all happen to be blond. Then she asks him, "Do you still want to tell a blond joke?" His reply: "Well, not anymore if I have to explain it five times!" Btw, your welcome. This might be a new section too, jokes from my dad.

Sports: Did anyone see Ryan Howard foul off pitches today? It made me very happy. In one of the at bats he struck out and I didn't even care. The kind of game that happened today, where we fall behind but predictably catch up is so fun to watch and its going to happen more if we can eat up pitches and get that extra inning or two against middle relief. A good sign in a world of Cole Hamel's injuries/fatigue.

No Fun things lined up for this week: giving blood (i know, i know, i learned that you can get paid for it though so maybe it will work out me being lazy and all), hiring a contractor to fix my back door, new resume, paying car insurance.

Its not wasting weekends if you don't have a job

2009-04-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

4/12/09: New section: "Sweet Dreams": I had a sweet dream. I was working on a sketch comedy show and I made up this scene that starts with two guys talking as they walk into a bar/club/whatever kids call them. The one complains about cover or whatever and the other pulls out a marker and puts X's on their hands and explains that you just show your hand and walk in. But as they get to the door they realize the line is around the block. They try the trick but the bouncer is drawing a super complicated (a pirate ship fighting at sea in my dream)painting on a girl's hand. The people behind her in line are complaining about missing the band and he is taking out new colors and tools and brushes as someone with a landscape on their entire arm walks by and flashes it to the bouncer. When I woke up I was so proud of this and though it was kind of an elegant sketch comedy bit.

Also: later I realized that often in dreams I am one layer removed from the action. Like in this dream, I work for a comedy program instead of being in the scene. Or before I dreamt about buying made up movies at a big box store. The movies played out in my head in the dream, but I wasn't in them. I was in the big box store remembering ads I had scene for the made up movies. Don't know what that means.

Today was no fun, despite a valiant effort. When I got to south philly brunch, only the home team was left, plus Dan, who did lots of hanging and going out today. I was proud of him. I absolutely crushed CD in Wii Tennis, probably because he was a little tipsy. Then this weird thing happened where people would leave to buy consumer products, ask for company, lazies would decline, they would come back, and then someone else would leave by themselves to get something else. Andy somehow tricked me into going to the pharmacy to buy him Clariton D, which I guess because of meth they have behind the counter. But the phamacy was closed. So the nice clerk grabs the pharmicist as he is walking out the door, and he grabs me a box. But then she can't scan it. She tells me she can't sell it to me. I tell her to rip the upc off, I'll give her cash, steal it, and she can ring it on Mon. after Easter. No dice. No Fun. Sometimes you can't win in April. So I go back a failure only to be resuckered into going to a different pharmacy where the 14 year old Asian pharmacist (?) grills me really hard (I.d., questions, signing a form, etc) before selling me 5 allergy pills. Andy rewards me by putting on a Barbs musical, Sue starts demanding material possessions, so I make up an excuse to exercise (maybe a new thing when I get bored) to just ride my bike up to my house and back with Godfather movies, magnetic knife strip things, steak. I also conviently get to not watch musicals. So that happens. Of course its super windy and not a fun day at all to ride. No Fun April. When I get back down South, Sue is asleep and Andy went to eat with suprise guest of the evening. I do get to see M. exercise a bit, which is awesome and includes mean women yelling at you about your "love/hate relationship with working out." Then I go to Cantina where I get to see Jo and her nybf, Chelsea, and which is a good time despite everyone else drinking alot because they had food I could eat. Jo seemed happy so that was a plus too not to mention that she liked my rainbow sweater. More bike riding ensued after we bailed on James because no one could work up enough gusto to go to a metal show. Instead, I end up at another bar, celebrating Genna's Bday, playing sexy lady games on Megatouch with DanK (I told you he turned into a hanging outer today) and yelling at Sue for not being able to hear me yell at her about how to play Megatouch games which go figure, doesn't work. Deafness= No Fun.

Best part about today: My brother bought caffeine free coca-cola during the frenzy that ensued when we found .68 a two liter deal last week. I realized today that it doesn't break any rules on the list*.

Worst part about today: Mr. Crowley stole my scene and gave blood before me.

Notice how these posts get longer and longer even though I have less to say? You know what that tells me: This is becoming a legitamite blog.

*Its real. Its posted on the internet on this very site. Stop saying I can't do X. I can snort coke if I want. It's not on the list. Although, today I pulled a typical me move and said no to drugs. I always do that (literally, always. Always. I've never done drugs, like a total square), and then always regret it later.

Friday Nightlite Blues

2009-04-10T21:39:00.000-07:00

4/11/09: Tonight was the epitome of why this was a bad idea. Tonight would have been awesome if I was just being regular. Lots of places to go. People down for adventure. I randomly saw Ashley and Collin and they had this babe with them that seemed to like me for no apparent reason, hugs included. Steve got suckered into letting people throw a big party at his shop. My brother even worked for me this morning so I had lots of energy. But instead I rode my bike around looking for a scene that doesn't exist, then giving up and coming home early while everyone else is drunk and laughing with their friends. No Fun.

Also, I learned that as no fun as it is to quit alot of things that give you pleasure its even less fun to have a bunch of people give you constant shit about things you didn't even do and then not let up about it. Dan and Andy's new creative way to make sure I am having no fun is to basically just yell at me all the time. It sucks and I'm not even sure if it gives them a laugh either. Also, lies on the internet have already started. Don't listen. I'm not that guy. I will let you know when I do stupid things that are fun. I promise. For instance, I got tricked a while back by a vegan brownie. I got all distracted by dessert and forgot about caffeine. oops.

Today I found out that ChrisD isn't dead. I know for a fact cause I went to his house and saw him. I also learned that everyone except me knows lots and lots about porn. History, characters, techniques, lingo, the whole nine. I felt very prude.

Lately, I have felt very weak, very tired, very lousy. What's the point of all this healthy living if I am still going to feel like crap and be crushingly sad? I at least thought my head would clear up and maybe I would feel athletic, or at least more so. No dice. Oh, and just for Ben I did exercising today. Weights and everything. It sucked so bad. It doesn't make sense to me that I dislike it so much either. In general, I don't mind the things that satellite the feeling of working hard at exercising. Being tired on a bike and pedaling hard? Fine. Competition? Fine. Other kinds of bodily pain? Better than most I think. Lifting weights? So boring and I just want to quit the whole time. That said, I am on a quest to lose a bunch of weight and start to look better naked. Not sure it will help, but its worth a try.

Bascially Revolutionizing Art, thank me later

2009-04-10T00:08:00.001-07:00

4/9/09: The no fun highlight of today is going 1-2 drop in a PE and not being an active 2000 anymore. Probably should have retired it in an attempt to convince people that I am good at the thing I want to be good at.

I am losing my zeal. I am itching for fun. Today I felt so stuffed up, it made me want to try the white lady. For real, I have been thinking about it so much. I don't get it because I have no connection, literally none, with the stuff in my life. Luckily, KimmyB is in Ohio, ohio, ohio so I got to hang out with Rob. Trouble with that is that Rob is currently watching Sat. Night Lights the television show as his pastime and he was inflexible about it. It wouldn't have been as bad except he is on season one. Yeah, from 7 years ago. So he kept accusing me of lying about having seen it when I didn't remember something forgetting that we were watching a television show made in the early 00's, following the success of a movie made in the 90's, which was an adaptation of a book written in the '80s about a football team that played in the 70's. Man, does the entertainment business sure know how to take its time.

The best part about hanging out with Rob, besides the fact that we can talk seriously about technical magical issues without it being weird, is he knows the dumbest parts of the Internet (perhaps related to his job?, hard to tell sometimes). Inspired by the drama on screen, I learned about slam pages tonight, which I think is the funniest thing ever. Me and Rob have big plans to start a new hit website slampagerampage.com and post a new slam page every day with awesome animated gifs and arrows that point at a picture of someone with sweet burns. The only problem is that we don't really have anyone to slam (Rob was adamant that you aren't supposed to slam your friend for fun, it has to be real. I think pre-irony days were stupid) which is probably related to why I think the whole idea is so funny. If you hate someone so much, why do you want to spend any time on them, making what is essentially a hate scrapbook. Making stuff is hard work. Rob also taught me that slam pages used to be actual slam books that got passed around and drawn in and stuff. Man. I missed out of so much awesome high school being a stupid born again. What a big mistake. What we both agreed is that the only person in our scene that anyone would want to slam is me. No fun.

Without trying and in different contexts, I fell into watching both Godfathers this week. (Don't get me started on the unspeakable and how no fun it that W. Ryder got sick and got replaced with stupid big nose daughter). I don't think the movies are the best things ever, but watching them got me thinking about how easy it is to make a good movie despite how rare such good movies are. No one in these movies is doing anything spectacular with their acting. The story is just a drama about a family. The cinematography is professional, even inspired at times, but still attainable for the average trained person. Sue always talks about how she likes/misses/wants more slice of life movies. I think it might be more simple than that. I think that regular people doing regular things, even things that bore them, is way more interesting than the no-miss premise that most movies seem to be based around. Despite what you might say about the Godfather being a mobster movie, its really a movie about a family that has regular family problems. A scene that passed me by before but I think is really awesome is when Vito gets fired and brings a pear home for the misses. She gets all excited about a single pear and then they eat. (btw: even dirt poor, they eat better than any of us because they wear suits and dresses. Apparently my dad's dad refused to eat dinner until he changed into a shirt with a tie and coat. I should be so classy) If you think about this theory for one second it holds true across the board. People liked Rocky because it was a movie about a guy that did regular things. Sure, something happens to him that fits into a story arc. But most of the movie he is doing things like buying a girl a dog because he can't think of anything better (she works at a pet store, if you remember). There are long scenes of him running, training, punching meat, walking around the neighborhood doing squat. He does silly things like bounce a racket ball for no reason. Rocky 2-5 are awful movies because they start being all flash and glamour and drama or whatever. Drama is boring. Its boring in life when people try to make it and it falls flat on a screen. This applies to lots of things I think. Personally, I really wish someone would make a skateboarding movie with shots more than 2.4 seconds. Why can't the movie just be in real time? Why can't the first scene of the movie just be a bunch of friends on the El with their skateboards or crammed into a car talking about regular things? If those regular things are skateboarding related, about this site that they are going to explore, than so be it. If those things are the friends making fun of a kid because his girlfriend dumped him last night, than that is interesting too. Most of the time when people skateboard, no one is actually skating, they are bullshitting or going to the corner store to get a snack or they are fixing their board, etc. I realize that the audience for skate videos is people that appreciate the technical aspect of the sport and that is why they have become style guides more than movies but I find the fact that a bunch of dudes spend their time on pieces of wood trying to control them in cool ways way more interesting than the minutia of the sport itself. There is a story there, just in the "here are these people, this is what they do with their time, they care about it" Maybe if people made watchable movies, people would watch them.

Trolley Works Only? Really? What does that even mean?

2009-04-08T20:06:00.000-07:00

4/8/09: I had an interaction today with the No Fun Most High: PPA. It goes without saying that it was No Fun with a capital F and that I didn't make very much money at work(pending a No Fun April project, see below). Whenever I have to deal with these kinds of people in life, it makes me want a racket of my own. Did you know that piracy is the number one export of Somalia? People actually pay the ransom to get their ship back! Seventy Million Dollars last year. It sounds outrageous, but is it really that different from getting your car towed? Anyway, the only way I came up with to put a No Fun April touch on the situation was to contest the ticket so I could spend more time with the most beloved institution in the city. I will keep you updated on how little fun it is.

Special Sports Section: The Phillies game today reminded me just how much I love walks. Its my second favorite thing in baseball, after getting hit with a pitch [because you don't have to rely on the ump]. I also realized that doing nothing is the dominant strategy in lots of other American institutions like Poker (folding), or the blues (8 bars that repeat and never go anywhere). For such an industrious people (compared to the napping Spaniards or the sissy French who both play never-stop-running soccer) we have lazy past times. I'm not knocking it, but it is certainly the exception to the rule and a very American thing. Can you imagine playing a chess variant where 90% of the time the right thing to do is pass the turn with no play? Only an American game could work that way.

My life hasn't changed in 3 years and counting...lame

2009-04-07T20:04:00.000-07:00

4/7/09: Do you know what is no fun? Presta valves. For real, I can't for the life of me figure out how to keep them from leaking. Call me a car person, but I miss a good schrader valve. I don't have to put air in my car tires every couple weeks as routine maintenance.

Most fun thing that happened today: I finally figured out how to pull off a black on black look with my available wardrobe: black shirt, black tie, black cardigan, grey jeans, white sneaks. I am pretty sure I made it happen.

Most no fun thing that happened today: Dan used sophisticated iphone technology to take a picture of me, and then turned it into a gif of me picking my nose in real time. It was unreal.

Also, Beck comes into the store sitcom style all the time when he is bored next-store. Its awesome, he just drops in, sometimes doesn't say anything but hi, hangs out for about 30 secs, and then goes to see if his tables want something.

Retail Lessons

2009-04-07T01:38:00.000-07:00

4/6/09: The first part of my day was no fun. The goal was to fix my bike tire but it got pretty involved, including going to a bunch of houses that I should be fixing looking for my toolbox, that my brother takes to job sites to make my life less fun[aside: as an economist I know that keeping my toolbox organized and functional makes it more stealable, but as a brother I find it super frustrating not to have the power to grant myself dibs on things, end aside], finding out that the bike store near my house is closed, just on Mondays, then going to that corporate bike shop on Columbus where I must be their coolest customer because they always stop what they are doing and look up and give me a secret bike nod that I don't know but I guess I fake it pretty well. It's funny that I get spit on for not being hardcore enough at a grungy bike store but then its the other extreme there. I would like some middle ground.

I forgot about blood drive today. I get another chance in a few.

I think I'm over the withdrawal phase and into the "oh no, now my life is just boring with nothing to even talk about" phase. The worst part about not doing any thing fun/self-destructive isn't the abstaining per se, but the fact that no one wants to hang out with a holier than thou ascetic. How sad is it to be in Trader Joe's, have someone invite you to eat dinner at their house, and then not be able to convince them that there is anything in the whole store that is both worth eating and fits into your diet? Answer: Sad. No quite as sad as Sharon Sossamon never making the A list and us not getting to see her face in movies more but sadder than when a huge big box store runs out of stock in the one thing you want. (Lately, no rack at Ikea for wine glasses, and no dvd players of any kind at walmart. What's the point of having a gigantic store anyway?) Oh, before I get lost in a rant I need to remind the world that Trader Joe's is basically heaven for lonely single people. There are one million babes of all varieties and people look very attractive trying to figure out what kind of mango chutney to buy, for some reason its very flattering. I hadn't been in a while and I think it might be my new place to chicken out asking girls out.

Pretty Women

2009-04-05T15:06:00.000-07:00

4/5/09: I have finally solved one the of the great mysteries of modern times: Why do all (with a few notable exceptions, Alyssa maybe) straight edge kids quit right as they graduate college? This has bothered me for some time because it seemed like if you could make it through college and all the "partying" and "peer pressure" (quotes because those things don't exist really, only parties and peers) then why would you change music related lifestyle just as you become a capital G grownup? I used to think it was because the adult world had less tolerance for alternative lifestyle choices (which is probably true), see business meetings at bars and toasts at weddings, etc. But I learned the real reason last night when I sobered all the way through a party Deven's friends Donna and Bev invited me too. WHEN YOU ARE IN HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE LIFE IS REALLY AWESOME EVEN SANS ALCOHOL. All you "No Fun April" literalists can quit now, because last night I certainly cheated under your definition. Who needs beer goggles when everybody is a 21 year old art student in impossibly good outfits? Who needs cocktail courage to hit the dancefloor when Bev is constantly freaking out like a crazy person inspiring the masses to make it happen? Who needs a cigarette to pass the time when people you've never meet before challenge you to a thumb war? (I dominated btw) XXX people quit because the ratio of impossibly good looking (me and Deven played "find someone you would kick out of your bed" game last night) people drops sharply right as you graduate. Alcohol makes those situations alot more interesting than they would be otherwise. If I could just live at parties like last night's, I might quit the bottle for good.

I took Pretty Woman out of the library because I hadn't seen it and its something people talk about alot. It certainly fit in with the theme of the month when i watched it today. A short word on rom-coms: does anyone else feel like they are basically chick porn? This movie has the craziest premise ever: young, handsome, superrich, single guy (this person doesn't exist to start with, for the same reason you never find a hundred dollar bill on the ground, scarcity. I'm kinda an economist, trust me) picks up a hooker, not for sex, but just on a whim of course, and they end up falling in love and actually play out a simulation of knight in shining armor fantasy. I find the idea of sex turning into love so unromantic. Just as unromantic as male centered porn, to be honest. It comes off just as false. Its funny that that in this regard men are more sentimental than women. Don't get me wrong: I'm not opposed to either fantasy. No judgement from me for wanting the impossible, just pointing it out. Its also a funny parallel that both genres are so formulaic, that when it comes to fantasy people just want the same exact story over and over as if any deviation could cause the whole thing to fall to peices.

I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to believe in Karma, right?

2009-04-04T20:29:00.000-07:00

4/4/09: Last night the universe decided that I was trying to cheat. People were hanging out at Andy's, and I decided that it would be no fun to ride my bike to West Philly because it was super windy. The universe thought otherwise. It interpreted my actions as an attempt to have fun and rewarded me with a flat tire. So after Sue and Jay both decided that helping me would probably be bad for my character, I got to walk home from the Convention Center. I drove to Andy's anyway and nothing else bad happened except finding out that I am the fattest person in the world.
Today i realized why I haven't worked on a weekend in five years. Weekends are supposed to be fun. Working sucked.
The wildcats lost. So no crazy novaheads being superfans. No fun.
Also, Andy's literal interpretation of No Fun April is catching on like Wildfire. Donna was very serious about the spirit of the law today when she stopped by Rustica, and almost uninvited me to her art student party, thinking it must be too fun for me. I say that as long as I follow the rules, that's enough. First Rustica shift probably ever without free soda today. That's gotta mean something.

sexy sleepy time

2009-04-03T16:59:00.000-07:00

4/3/09: Things that are no fun, list edition: decaf coffee and coffee shops in general, going to look at art, sandwiches with no cheese, bikes with less than optimal tire pressure but enough that you dont want to fill them, stale constructed formats, missing good tv and falling into a game of scatigories where you can use adjectives ("you want a fruit that starts with B, how about big apple. that's good right?), going to the supermarket and not have the gumption to steal a few things as you buy other things, endless rain checks into rain checks and still not having AAA batteries which means you have to tune your guitar with your ear instead of your little box. no fun.

Andy thinks that I won't be able to not have orgasms because of "nocturnal emissions" or whatever. I think I am master of my domain. At deep springs we had a wet dream experiment. It took way more than a month to make it happen. Maybe worth it in a whimsical, I want to remember back to when I didnt understand my own sexuality yet kinda way, but still, it took a long time for my body to take over and just start making things up. Maybe im older and its different; time will tell but im set for now.

Blogs are a cheap imitation of cell phones

2009-04-02T16:49:00.000-07:00

4/2/09: Today was no fun. I got Huck Finned into painting houses for no money by J. So now i have white specks everywhere on my hands and arms and it kinda looks like fungus. Returning library books turned into no fun when I had to pay for a book that I had forgot about: it got taken when I left it at Rustica. Down Twenty Five for the day. No fun. The day got less fun at the bank, when i realized that my phone must have fallen out of my pocket en route. In other news, I was inspired by "I love you, man" to check Chocolat out from the library. We will see how it goes. Withdrawal isn't totally gone, but no headaches today. I cheated and put a little Gorgonzola on a salad. So the purity of the month lasted all of a day and a half but it was worth it.

Of all the loves I've had, I miss coca-cola the most

2009-04-01T22:21:00.000-07:00

4/1/09: Today was no fun. I did not witness, experience, or even hear second hand of one single good April Fool's joke. In fact, my only contact with the holiday at all was Cindy Keyser complaining about Gmail's failed attempt on Facebook. No fun. Then it rained all day. Then I worked from 4 til 1:30 which included being around a bunch of rich drunk people who couldn't hold their booze and carrying heavy tables through catacombs underneath a restaurant that used to be a bank. I had intense caffeine headaches all day, which is what I expected to be honest. This girl texted me to see what I was doing after three days ago telling me that she didn't want me to contact her because she didn't want any kind of relation with me. Girls can be no fun. Right now I am eating spinach leaves and ice water. I am starving but all the food in my house breaks the rules. Rules are no fun. The only good news is that my brother is really taking to No Fun April and is saying things like "you look like you're having too much fun, you should probably stop it now" or "no, you can't have your computer, its less fun for you if I hog it."

March Madness

2009-03-31T09:53:00.000-07:00

3/31/09: I have decided that my life is too awesome. (Its possible. Take my word.) I have also decided that the balance of power has tilted away from me and towards various other things in formulating how happy I am at any given time.

My solution to these problems is "No Fun April." It is what is sounds like. I will be having no fun in the month of April. I will be abstaining from caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, animal products of all variety, orgasms, major chords, first dates, cheering for sports teams that compete near my place of residence, and Saturday morning cartoons. You are free to call me about if you see me partaking in these activities. Some of these abstentions should be particularly painful as I am probably addicted to at least some of those things.

I will also be engaging in activities that are no fun. These include but are not limited to: giving blood, housework and cleaning, flossing and other acts of excessive hygiene, volunteering, retail shopping, organizing things, writing thank you letters, exercising, and self-improvement. Gross.

This is my record of No Fun April. Check back for daily reports about just how soul-deafeningly dull my life is about to become.